I’ve had this blog post bouncing around in my head for a while now, but I’ve been struggling to put it down in words.

I started blogging when I was a sophomore in college (four years ago). It kind of served as a way to write down thoughts or stories that were longer than a facebook status update. It also served as a way for to me keep in touch with friends and family who lived far away (and pretty much all of them did/do).

It then changed into something I truly enjoyed. I would occasionally go weeks or months without blogging, and I would just resort to it when I had a lot on my heart or mind, or if I was seeking to procrastinate from something (soo..finals week was a popular time to write a blog haha!)

When I got married I decided marriage was reason enough to blog on a regular basis. I could write about my home, my marriage, my cat, recipes that I cooked, recap my wedding or just write about what I was learning. And like I said…my parents were overseas, so I always wanted to do a good job keeping them updated with pictures and the like.

In the 2.5  years that I have been married, this blog has taken off. I started sharing the blog posts with people who weren’t in my realm of family or super close friends. I started getting compliments on my writing, I started getting comments on my blog posts and I started receiving encouragement that maybe I should do a little something more with my blog.

So in January 2014 I used my Christmas money to buy a self-hosting site (this one). I spent time getting a calendar organized to spit out posts that I had written. I knew I was pregnant and knew that would mean even more things to write about on the blog. I knew I would be quitting my job, and I really wanted to make money while staying at home with Tera. I thought this blog here would be a perfect opportunity to do that.

Fast forward 10 months. I haven’t made a penny off of this blog. And it frustrates me. I love blogging. I do it because I love it. And I decided I would like to get a paycheck for doing something that I love. But it just hasn’t happened. I have to apply for products to review- no one will accept my applications. Most places require 20,000 views a week. Say what? Yeah, right.

Since I started TRYING to make money blogging, my views have fallen to an all-time low. I’m MILES away from where I could be to make money. I don’t even know what half the social media sites are that I am supposed to have followers on. Like, thousands of followers. Tears, ya’ll. So many tears. It seems so frustrating. I want to keep this blog, and I want to blog for enjoyment, but I also want to do more with it. But it just doesn’t seem to be happening.

You know what always brings me to tears, too? When people comment about how my whole life is layed out on my blog or in social media. It confuses me so much because it makes me feel like it is wrong. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t be sharing things on my blog. It makes me feel like it was a mistake to post that post. But then I’m even more confused because the flip side of the issue is that I don’t post enough, that I don’t share the post on enough social media sites. That I don’t ‘attract’ enough viewers.

I love blogging, and I do often get compliments on my blog. One of the greatest compliments I get is when people tell me that a post helped them along, or that they enjoyed reading it, or that they can relate.

So then the past few weeks I have been thinking that maybe it is not supposed to be. Maybe this space simply needs to be a place where I write out my thoughts, and where I post pictures to show my family that lives far away. Maybe this space isn’t supposed to be a space that attracts visitors or gets 20,000 views a week. Maybe this space just needs to be my thoughts, my pictures, my stories. Maybe God is saying “nope. not right now” Maybe God is saying, “I actually don’t want you to make money from home. I have other plans for you.” Maybe I need to step so far back from the blogging that I stop it entirely? I feel my posts lately have been geared towards attracting more visitors so that I can get to the next step of making money blogging. And I don’t like that (and apparently my followers don’t either).

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I’m not asking for you as readers (if you are even reading this) to do anything. I’m not asking you for suggestions, even. I’m just trying to use this space as I intended it: to write my thoughts and feelings down. I guess maybe I am fishing for some compliments- maybe I want to hear that this blog means something to more than just me. Maybe I want to here that I’m not all wrong about posting so many details of my life. Maybe I do want to know that there is hope- that if I just continue with this space, maybe God will one day open the door for a little extra funds to come in. Or maybe I just need you to pray that my heart will not be in the numbers, that my heart will not even be set on this little corner of the internet, and that instead I will simply use it as a tool to help me along in what God has called me to do right now, which is being a wife and mother.

Gah…so there you have it. No pictures. Not even a great concluding paragraph. Or a great beginning one for that matter. Just my thoughts and feelings layed out in a blog post. Take it or leave it.

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