At the beginning of the month, I planned out my blog posts and today I am supposed to be writing about “How to Travel with Kids”.
I’ve avoided that post for a few days now, not because I don’t want to write about traveling with kids…
…but because my heart just isn’t there. I couldn’t care less about traveling with kids when I’m feeling weighed down by the rest of life’s responsibilities.
You see…writing is my therapy, and while my heart is heavy, I must write.
8+ months ago, our lives changed when we took in Heavenly.
On the phone that day, the caseworker explained the brief basics- what had happened, who she was and how long she would need care for.
3-6 months.
I’m not naive, I know that things change, plans change. Especially when dealing with the foster system. Nothing happens quickly and then all of a sudden something happens overnight.
It’s been 8+ months and we are no closer to the goals than we were on day 1. In fact, we are even farther away from the goals and I’m so, so weary.
As each day passes by, caseworkers and the agency and us are starting to explore some new options for our Heavenly.
Words like reunification are said less and less often and are instead being replaced by words like permanency and even adoption.
(Please note- any final decision will probably not be made for years. At this point I literally have no clue how this will turn out. It takes months and months to arrive at a decision to begin the process for something, and then months and months to actually make that thing happen. Unless, of course…it happens overnight. In which case we would all be surprised. Welcome to foster care).
And you know what I keep thinking over and over again?
This Is Not What I Signed Up For.
I signed up to foster a beautiful 10 year old girl who had little to no behaviors.
I signed up to give her a safe home until she could back to her rightful one.
I signed up to support reunification and get the primary family back together.
I signed up for six months and then a long, long break and maybe a family vacation or a day or two to cuddle just my babies.
Instead, I now have an 11 year old who is balancing on the edge of making good decisions or not so great decisions.
I have a home that sometimes doesn’t feel safe because it is filled with so much drama and anger and deep, deep frustrations.
I feel like I am the lone person on this entire team who is even willing to put forth any effort towards reunification. It makes me so sad and angry, indeed.
I have 8+ months of day in and day out parenting a child who has gone through trauma and so much more, and instead of a break or a family vacation we are looking at possibly doing this for the rest of our lives.
This Is Not What I Signed Up For.
But, friends.
This.is.Life.
We all have dreams and aspirations. We all have ideals that we want to live up to.
And sometimes when we look down, we realize that we are all handling things that we just didn’t sign up for. Life isn’t butterflies and roses, and it can be weary and exhausting. So often in our culture and in our human nature we are always tempted to take the easiest way out. The way that is the least exhausting, the most convenient. But sometimes situations come up that there is no easy way out. A medical diagnosis, a death, a relationship that is dissolving, a foster care case that just goes on and on.
The easy way out for me would be calling it quits. Turning in my license and being free from foster care once and for all. It’s something I’ve seriously considered as this case has become more and more challenging.
*Image via Pinterest
But, friends.
God knows. God knows what He has signed us up for.
I cry as I write those words because I need to preach them to myself over and over and over again.
God know what He has signed us up for.
He will give us more than we can handle.
And He will lead us through it the entire way.
Psalm 31:19-24
How great is your goodness that you have stored up for those who fear you and accomplished in the sight of everyone for the who take refuge in you. You hide them in the protection of your presence; you conceal them in a shelter from human schemes, from quarrelsome tongues. Blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his faithful love to me in a city under siege. In my alarm I said, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you head the sound of my pleading when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all his faithful ones. The Lord protects the loyal, but fully repays the arrogant. Be strong, and let your heart be courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord.
*Yes, I write this from a real and vulnerable place. Yes, we are all receiving counseling. Yes, Theo’s job and the foster care case does seem like more than we can handle on any given day. Yes, we do have a support system, but I sometimes still feel alone. Yes, I hate winter and struggle with seasonal depression so this is all normal. Yes, we will all be ok. We are weary, tired and quite discouraged, but we are not overtaken by despair.
I’m praying for you, Suzanne!
Thank you so much for sharing. It made me cry because I am so in the same place. Wishing foR a break, needing a break from my 2 foster boys who have been in my care for 2 years and no end in sight.
But God knew this! So we march onward with God’s help and faithfulness.
I prayed for you this morning.
Oh, I am so, so sorry! Praying for you in this time of trial. I feel that I am feeling that I am living what I didn’t sign up for. Life is life. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for sharing your struggle here, Suzanne. It made me think of a section of Beth Moore’s Bible Study “The Quest” focusing on 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. She writes, ” Ok. We’ve bumped up against one of the most mature aspects in the doctrine of suffering. We’re a long way from pureed bananas on the baby food aisle on this one. We’re in the meat department now, gnawing one of the hardest bones in the New Testament. The fact is, sometimes God may, with gracious forethought and faithful deliberation, allow us to go through something that nearly kills us so someone else can come alive. He alone is life giver, but He can use death at work in one person to demonstrate life at work to another.” Praying that God will enable you and Theo through his power to persevere and that He will bring to life things/situations/people that are dead for his glory.
What Beth said! Also, I cringe when people say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” But He does! Or at least He allows it. And then He comes alongside us as our strength and our refuge. And then all the glory goes to Him because we couldn’t handle it, but He could!
What a selfless gift you are giving this girls, my prayers are with you.
Every post I read I think of how brave you are for what you did. Now even more so for sticking out a situation that has become more complicated than you could have imagined. I am thinking of your family and praying for peace to come your way.
Me and my husband have discussed fostering or even adopting a child but it is scary, especially with our own children in the home, for what we will really be in for! However, her behavior may be an indication that she really needs to be in a good home like yours for awhile to work out some of what is going on inside herself. IDK. Hard situation.
I think it’s important that you are sharing your experience and perspective balanced by scripture and God’s promises. Sometimes we lose sight of what can be because of what currently is, which makes it harder to persevere. Praying for your family!