On September 1, 2017, Theo spent his first day on the streets as an officer.
It’s been a year and this life is nothing like what I expected.
On paper, it doesn’t seem like being married to a police officer would be that much different than being married to someone who works a desk job or who works as a welder or tech man. My officer works 40 hours a week, he deals with people on a daily basis and he doesn’t usually make the news.
But that is just on paper. In reality, he usually works closer to 50 hours a week, all unexpected overtime or mandatory court hearings on his days off. He usually deals with people who are swearing at him, spitting on him or threatening his family. He usually ducks out of the frame of the photographer who is snapping pictures of the scene, or he doesn’t even care or notice that there is a photographer there because he is too busy helping whoever needs help. Every day when he leaves for work I realize that it might be the last time my kids and I kiss him goodbye. Every time he steps out of the door, he straps on a bullet proof vest and knows that it is likely he might have a gun pointed at him and the trigger pulled.
I’m not going to lie…it has been fairly stressful to learn how to live as a police wife. But I’ve said it before, and I will say it again…my husband loves his job, and that makes my role as his wife easy to support him.
But how do I deal with the feelings of fear and anxiety while he is at work? How can I send him off knowing that he could face danger on his shift today?
- Don’t Dwell On It. This first one is absolutely the hardest, and it’s simply to not let the thoughts of fear invade my mind. Yes, I can be realistic…his job can be dangerous. But I don’t need to literally sit on my couch and think through every scenario that he could be getting into right at this moment. It’s just not helpful to anybody to spend time and thought on these things. I will admit, I have to WORK to banish thoughts like that from my mind.
- Combat Fear with Truth. I’m a very truthful person. The reality is, Theo’s job can be dangerous. That’s the truth. The other half of the reality is that…most days it isn’t. That’s also the truth. Most days he is a peace officer and manages traffic. Do you see how both of those things are reality, and yet most days the temptation is to spend a lot more thought on the “danger” part of the equation? Another way to combat fear with truth is to know the truth of Scripture and let it infiltrate my mind instead of the thoughts of fear and anxiety.
- Be His Support. I find that when I am feeling supportive of Theo in his job, I am much less likely to be anxious. It’s not that the reality of the danger isn’t still looming, it’s that I understand he’s willing to face the danger, and so I will stand behind him. When I see how much he loves his job, I am not as worried about what could happen. I trust him to trust his training and his partners and to know that if something terrible were to happen on the job, he would be doing what he loves and was created to do. When I’m feeling more critical of the job or unsupportive, I find myself dealing with a lot more of the “what ifs” and the flaring anxiety.
- Create Routine. Most of the ways I combat anxiety are mental. However, this one is all tangible. Since Theo often works evenings and weekend, I have found this to be the time that I struggle most with the anxiety. It seems that everyone is invited to events and get-togethers that I just can’t make it to, or don’t want to make it to without my husband by my side. So then I just end up sitting at home, pondering how lonely being married to a police officer can be. And then I start to spiral down the anxiety slide. So, instead, I have to work hard to continue our family routine as if Theo was still home. We still go out on Saturdays and try to make it to anything we are invited to that is kid-friendly. I plan outings with the kids to the library or parks so that they can be out of the house and we can have some things to look forward to, even thought Daddy is gone to work. I still try to cook dinner and serve food at the same time each day and bedtime stays consistent. Some of police family life is being incredibly flexible, and then a good portion of it is creating that schedule so that everyone is able to stay sane!
- Establish Comfort Zones. This sounds wishy-washy, but it’s something I’ve done since before Theo was an officer, when he was working EMS. There are certain things I will place into Theo’s work day that make me look forward to the day. For example, on his last work day of the week I treat myself to a coke. I don’t let myself drink soda often, so this is my treat. And I look forward to it all week. I find a show or a book that I love and look forward to curling up on the couch BY MYSELF to watch or read with no one else’s agenda crowding mine. I find that when my anxiety raises the highest, singing hymns is the best way to calm myself down. So now I sing the kids hymn after hymn at bedtime on the nights that Daddy works. Memorizing Scripture and recalling it to my mind is another comfort zone that I run to. Maybe yours is doing some yoga or taking a warm bath or going out for a night with your girlfriends. Just be careful that this “comfort zone” doesn’t become a crutch or isn’t unhealthy- binge eating a tub of ice cream every night he works is NOT what I’m recommending here. Instead, I recommend saving a bowl of your favorite ice cream for one night a week while he is working. Or making a pancake dinner with the kids every Saturday night since it’s kind of a bummer that Daddy has to work weekends.
What about you? If you are a police wife, or if your husband works a job that causes high anxiety, what are your go-tos for combatting anxiety?