Yes, I Solo Parent…But I’m Not a Single Mom

“Sooo, where is your husband?”

“Is Theo at work?”

“Are you a single Mom?”

If Theo had a day off for every time I get a comment like this or similar, he would probably never have to go to work again!

One aspect of police life is that their shifts are different. I’m sure that there are many other jobs out there that can relate- jobs that are third shift or require a lot of travel. Theo’s shift is never less than 11 hours long, and after four days of 11 hour shifts back to back it can get exhausting. And, yes, Theo’s hours are set, but there is rarely a day when the needs of the people in his city follow a set clock-in/clock-out time. It’s never surprising to get a text telling me he won’t be home for several more hours, and at least once a week he works a 15+ hour shift.

On top of the long and sometimes unpredictable hours of his regular shift, Theo also has to show up in court multiple times a week. He has no say in when court takes place, and it’s often on his day off. Thankfully, he does get paid overtime and he always has at least 48 hours notification before this happens, but he is still gone for long stretches that don’t fit in the times of his shift.

When Heavenly lived with us, her school schedule was exactly the opposite of Theo’s works schedule, and the two of them would go the four days without even seeing each other, except maybe an hour or two in passing if one of them woke up very early. The stress of this was evident to both me, Theo and Heavenly, and it was the main reason that I have decided to pursue homeschooling. The fact that my kids could go 4-5 days without seeing their Dad just because of opposite schedules drove me nuts.

So that leaves me, as his wife and a Mom to our kids at home alone…a lot. As a family, we have every breakfast together, 3 lunches together, 3 dinners together and 3 bedtimes when he is home a week. Theo works every Friday evening, every Saturday and every Sunday. Have you ever noticed that pretty much every event that happens outside the four walls of our houses happens between Friday evening and Sunday evening?

Sometimes it really feels like I’m doing everything. Alone. One more dinner to cook with just me and the kids. One more soccer practice to get to on time. One more bedtime routine with kids running in all directions and me trying to wrangle them alone. One more outing that is just me and the kids. One more church service to sit through without him by my side.

I’ve heard some police wives grumble and declare that “it’s like being a single Mom!” For a while there, I had to agree. So often being married to an officer feels just like I’m a single Mom. I feel like I do it all. There is no other option, no one to fall back on and no one to help me when I’m about to lose my mind on the 49th hour of taking care of the kids by myself.

But then I realized how backwards this thought is.

I’m not a single Mom. 

Yes, I solo parent. A lot. I make a lot of decisions and feed them a lot of dinners and go to a lot of soccer practices and manage a lot of bedtimes…by myself.

But I’m not a single Mom. 

You see…a single Mom deserves so much respect and praise in this world, because no matter the circumstances surrounding how she got there, she is doing a very hard job. A job that should be spread across multiple people falls squarely on her shoulders, no matter what. The decisions that have to be made and the events that have to attended are all on her, and its her responsibility to get everyone where they need to be.

It does sound familiar, but I will repeat it again and again: I’m not a single Mom.

Instead, I have the gift of a loving husband who is active and loving with our children, on his days off or from afar.

I have the gift of a loving husband who comes home after a long shift, removes his uniform and listens to me talk about my day.

I have the gift of a loving husband who helps me make big life decisions, even if it means waiting a few days until he has some time off to discuss them.

I have the gift of a loving husband who has three days off a week, and he spends almost every minute of those days with his wife and kids.

I have the gift of a loving husband who is dedicated to his job and feels the pressure of the long hours, too, yet is always willing to talk me through with whatever crisis is happening at home, even though he knows my “crisis” is practically unimportant compared to the last four calls he has gone on.

I have the gift of a loving husband who does his best to make it to every event he possibly can- even if this means just slowly driving past Tera’s soccer game while he’s on duty.

I have to remind myself of this often, unfortunately. I’m prone to start whining and seeing all the time I spend parenting by myself as the only realities of the job, when the truth is that I have a partner who is incredibly hands on and always present for us when possible.

So, yes, I am often parenting alone. I do solo parent. 

But I’m not a single Mom.