Writers Block

I confess: I have the absolute worst case of writers block.

It’s not that I don’t have thoughts in my head.

It’s that getting the thoughts from my head onto the keyboard takes far too much physical, mental and emotional energy.

First, it requires finding the time to write. I only work part time, but I also manage my home full time. My kids are in a season of life where they no longer take naps, but they are still not independent and I very rarely have a moment without children between the hours of 6:30am and 8:00pm. After 8:00 pm, I’m done for the day and have usually crawled into bed to read a book or watch a show with Theo.

But, really, time is the least of my worries. I am a big fan of the idea that there is no such thing as “I don’t have time for that”. There is, on the other hand, the fact of the matter that “I don’t want to make time for that”. And honestly, that is where I am with my writing. It’s just not a priority.

But it’s also not a priority because I feel that my inherent worth has gone down over this past year. I know that sounds really dramatic, but I’m just going to say it like I feel it. I am a white woman living in a rural suburban neighborhood with three healthy, white children and a husband who works in law enforcement. We are Christian and conservative and if the internet has told me anything this year it is: YOUR VOICE HAS NO VALUE HERE BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE/WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE/WHAT YOUR HUSBAND DOES FOR WORK.

Now, there is so much nuance to that. Sometimes feelings are good, and sometimes they are just plain wrong. Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to eat a big slice of the humble pie that being served up. Sometimes it’s ok to learn that I really am not the greatest thing since sliced bread, and my arrogance and pride in certain areas of life need to be taken down a notch (or many, many notches). It’s good to realize that the feelings I’ve been experiencing this year are feelings that other groups of people have felt and experienced in many different places and situations for hundreds of years during history- and even in my own current backyard in current times. I get that this is where many will eye roll and mumble “white fragility” under their breath. So now it feels like I’ve once again been told that my feelings and experiences are invalid, simply because someone else now has more valid feelings than me. It’s a very confusing time to be alive. And what in the world am I supposed to write about in the midst of all that?

Add to that the struggle that is being a law enforcement family during this time. I haven’t shared in depth what types of things we have gone through, but it has not been pretty. I have seen a huge need to back off my presence on the internet, both to protect my husband and his job, but also to protect myself from seeing and falling into the trap of the many negative narratives that fill the shelves of the internet stores. I heard an excellent analogy that has stuck with me for the past several months. If you start thinking about seeing a yellow car, you are going to start seeing yellow cars everywhere. Every time you go out driving, you will see yellow cars! It will seem like there are SO MANY more yellow cars, but that is because your brain is toggled to look for them and notice them when you would have previously ignored them. This feels like how America is perceiving police and race. They are noticing all the yellow cars. Now, it is fair to point out that means that yellow cars exist!!! That means that there are areas that the system of policing can do better in regards to race in America. Believe me, the last 10 months have been so much deep heart and professional work for the police departments. They have not ignored the yellow cars that are being spotted by literally millions of people on the internet. But the problem is that there are other cars out there, too. Police are dealing with black cars, blue cars, red cars, green cars, yellow cars and white cars. And yet no one notices or cares about any of those cars, they just scream and shout and hop up and down whenever a yellow car is seen. Meanwhile, our officers are exhausted from all that they see and do, from the microscope that is constantly on them, constantly begging them to mess up and prove the point that yellow cars exist. It’s exhausting. And right now because of it, it feels that my voice has no place on the internet. I’m not brave enough or eloquent and well-spoken enough to figure out HOW to say that racism is a problem but also, it’s not just the police’s problems, and also….police officers are NOT running around all day with their guns drawn! No, they are dealing with a suicide and a child removal and a domestic dispute followed by a man who is screaming about seeing pigs on his roof. They are posted on the highway in the snowstorm and they are riding a skateboard or playing basketball with some kids in the park. They are plugging a gunshot wound with their own fingers, they are getting spit in the face by someone who is Covid+, they are administering CPR and narcan and they are doing it all while being in the crosshairs of the scope of America, ready to shoot the gun of blame and condemnation if they are perceived to do anything wrong. So what in the world am I supposed to write about in the midst of all that?

Oh, yeah…and isn’t there a global pandemic, too? There are so many who are suffering and have died. There are many who have lost jobs and churches and let’s not even begin to talk about the schooling situation. The constant ups and downs of school at home, school in person, school virtual, or homeschooling is just exhausting. And then it feels like no matter what I do, I can’t get it right. School in person? HOW DARE YOU. Wear a mask? UNACCEPTABLE. Go to church? THAT’S SELFISH. Choose to spend Christmas alone? YOU HAVE BEEN CONSPIRED AGAINST. I just feel like I can’t do, say or share anything without fear of it hurting someone’s covid expectations or going against what they have decided is for their family. I’m just going to go ahead and say it: we go to school in person two days a week. Theo has been going to work and being exposed since the very first week of this pandemic. I go grocery shopping in person and usually take my kids with me. We go to church in person. We also go to the library about once a week. Whenever possible, we go to playgrounds (they are usually deserted this time of year lol). We have chosen to not go to any indoor dining, museums, parties, play areas and have not signed our kids up for any extra curricular activities. We wear masks whenever we are in public (but not outdoors). But of course, all that will horrify some – on both sides of the spectrum. So what am I supposed to write about in the midst of all that?

So you see….I have a writers block. But it isn’t the type of writers block where my mind does not have the thoughts. No, no. It is the kind of writers block where I fear the repercussions of what would happen if my mind was allowed to share it’s thoughts. I fear that I will offend someone – because inevitably, I will. I fear that I will lose friends and be spoken badly about because of this.

I know that I am not alone this. I know that many have felt the weight of sharing something and receiving nothing but opposite opinions (and often negative) in response. Some people respond to this by speaking out even louder, sticking to their guns and often going about social media with guns blazing. Some people (hi, it’s me) simply shut down and step away, close off their voices and listen to the negative talk in their heads and in random comments online. I have found myself shut off (by my own choice) and therefore struggling to process everything that is happening in my life.

But I’m learning that what I’ve experienced and what I think does have value. It is not always right or correct, but that is part of the beauty of being able to share about it, and receive feedback from it. There is always a delicate balance between being able to speak out and share while also being delicate and not trampling everyone else for a right to speak my own voice/opinions/experiences.

I’m still working on finding how that works for me. How that works for my writing. How that ultimately works towards glorifying God. Sitting down and shutting up and listening has a lot of value and is absolutely necessary. But standing up and speaking of personal experiences and offering encouragement to others who are struggling in the wake of all that they are processing also has value. But I know that the first step towards overcoming this writer’s block is writing about it. And here we are.

All I can say is this: If you feel like your voice has no value, if you feel like you have been told that what you are experiencing and what you are feeling does not matter, this is not true. Sure, you might need to sit down and listen to people who have different voices, experiences and differences from you. You may need to eat a piece of humble pie. But you also need to know that through Christ, you have the power to bring encouragement and support to someone who may be going through something hard. You, yes you- are not a mistake. You were made and created and God knew you would be living in 2020/2021. God knew what your skin color would be and what profession you would take up. He sees you and He knows you. And He desires for us to know HIM and make him known.