Life…

I am sitting at my dining room table, and I pause with my fingers on the keyboard. How do I write even a fraction of what is on my heart and my mind? I want to please everyone. I want to make sure that I get it RIGHT. However, I don’t think that is even possible, so I have decided to finally proceed with publishing a blog post.

I miss writing. I miss posting blogs. I miss sharing my thoughts, my feelings and my experiences. I have drafted blog post after blog post with all the swirling feelings and thoughts. I have tossed and turned in bed and been unable to sleep at night. I have stayed up late talking with Theo about ins and outs of all the current life situations that are surrounding us. I have cried. And prayed. And read Bible verses that encourage me, and some that seriously challenge me. Ultimately, I’ve decided that sitting with my thoughts and feelings and working through them on a personal level is far better for me (and those around me) than posting them on social media and receiving both praise (which will puff me up and make me believe that I am indeed correct, when I may actually be incorrect) and critique (which I am feeling much too tender to bear). I am still working through the many nuances of how to process and feel and listen and support and stand and sit and shout and shut up and support my husband and also support those in my life who are minorities and people of color. I assure you that I am NOT silent in my real life. It is not possible for my family to be unaffected by the events that are happening around our country and the entire world. We are hearing, we are feeling, we are processing. I am not silent with my children, I am not silent with my husband, I am not silent with my friends and my family who can look me in the eye and have conversations about this. Yes, I have for the most part been silent on social media and I can see where that would cause some to feel that I am unwilling to speak out against injustice. Perhaps I am in the wrong to take more time to process and learn, but that is where I am at right now. I have MANY things that I want to say, and many things that I am trying to hear and for now my “silence” on all things social media does not indicate where I stand on current events and matters.

I am not a person of color in our country and so I feel that I cannot speak to the experiences of people of color. I CAN sit down and listen to people of color and what THEY are saying. Also, the past two weeks have been very emotionally and physically challenging for our family. I feel like I want to write and describe and list and rant about all the things that have happened against us, but I don’t feel like I would be sharing any of those things from a healthy place of healing. Instead, I feel like I would say things that I would regret and that would simply cause a greater divide amongst people that I love. I am sometimes angry, sometimes bitter, often extremely hurt by some of the words being thrown out, and often wondering how to listen when I can’t hear over the din of hurtful things being shouted at my husband.

But as I’ve said, I’m also listening. I’m trying to learn. I’m trying to hear. I’m running to prayer and Scripture like I never have before. I am weighing the value of friendships, and also weighing the importance of having friends who strongly disagree with me and can have civil conversations about it (you know who you are). I’m so thankful for my family and how this is drawing us closer together and also weeding out so many hard conversations that would otherwise lay below the surface. I am thankful that we are a law enforcement family, not just because of how proud I am of my husband, but because we can’t ignore these current social events. Although I probably wouldn’t have chosen to face the current cultural issues of racism in this way – I am more of a dip my toes in until it feels comfortable and then go in a little farther- the current protests and calls for reform have forced our family to dive right into the frigid cold deep end. And by golly, it feels like we might drown. Or maybe we will actually learn to swim?

Please know- I have long desired there to be more accountability for police officers. This would not only require them to keep their actions on the job above reproach, but it would also provide much needed services for these officers who already see a lot and bear a lot in the community (suicides, deaths, car accidents, social services calls, drugs and overdoses, criminal and abusive behaviors, etc) . And I have always said that there are so many community calls that require the police that would be better served if the communities themselves could be helped in a deeper and more meaningful way. However, I think it is really important to have thorough thoughts and research on such matters, so I again am choosing to spend time pondering those calls for reform instead of just jumping to a hasty emotional conclusion (in either direction) posted on the internet. And believe me when I say that I am VERY emotional right now. Ha. I know that one thing that Theo and I have both appreciated is people in our lives who are willing to reach out and ask us how to we are feeling about this and what it might mean for Theo. Again, I do not want my voice to be the loudest in the room, but all of these events do affect our lives directly and it means a lot when someone is willing to ask questions. For example- COVID affected all our lives, some directly and many indirectly. We were still able to find space to agree that it is hard for everyone, those who were never exposed, who were affected indirectly. In the same way, I ask that you find space that a law enforcement family may feel overwhelmed in these times. I get that it is not all about us right now. I get that it doesn’t help to try to make it about it us. But yo- this has been hard. I’m not just talking about love and support and prayers. I am talking about friends who say “how do you feel about these 8 points?” and “how many of these 8 points does your department already implement?” and “what does defund the police mean to you?” and “have you seen these types of things happening?”. I assure you that real, honest questions will receive real, honest answers.

Friends, this blog post has no particular point or flow or ending. Please know that I am only sharing my own thoughts and experiences, and not the thoughts of everyone who lives a similar lifestyle. I have been itching to get back to blogging and just feeling like a somewhat human again. I thought about skipping speaking into this subject at all, but I did not feel that it would be right to dive into “normal life” content when this is obviously a big deal in our household and in many, many households (as it should be). That being said, I do desire to return to being able to blog, because it is a craft that brings me great joy and the ability to process and encourage others. Please know that one blog post on this issue DOES NOT address all the thoughts and feelings, nor does it even begin to be a drop in the bucket towards healing. But it’s my first drop and here I am, dripping it in.