I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for a while now.
It’s a post that I feel I need to write, but one that took a lot of courage to write.
In the foster care world, especially the Christian one, disrupting a placement seems like a big scarlet letter. It’s the ultimate sign of failure, and many people even mention that it would be better to not foster than to ever have to disrupt a placement. While I have now walked this road, I can see why so many people take that stance, but I have to disagree.
However, that discussion is not for this blog post (come back later this week and I’ll have a post all about that discussion!). This post is more of a factual guide. I don’t want to write a factual guide on how to disrupt a foster placement, but I know that a lot of foster parents stumble on my blog and enjoy finding real information that will help them on their fostering journey. So without further ado, here is the information I have collected from enduring a foster disruption.
First, what is a disruption? A disruption is when the foster parents request that a foster child be removed from their home and placed in another foster home.
Disrupting a placement is a heavy and hard decision to make. When we signed up to foster, we knew that we would be taking in a child who has experienced trauma. Even if the trauma is simply their removal from their first home, that is enough trauma for any child to bear (especially when most have not been taught healthy coping strategies). That one original removal is enough trauma for a child, and it’s terrible to think about adding more trauma by having them moved to another foster home. Unfortunately, this happens far too often in foster care, and a child is left bouncing from foster home to foster home to foster home, unable to form healthy attachments and crushed time and time again when they have moved on.
Listen, it makes total sense. I’m a full supporter of NOT disrupting a placement. They need as much stability, love and predictability they can possibly get.
However, there is another side to this coin. There is also the fact that signing up to do foster care is a ministry. In some ways, this ministry is a job. And in many ways, this ministry is something that should not be coming before marriages, children already in the home and personal stability. By the end of fostering Heavenly, I not only made a terrible foster Mom, but I also made a terrible wife, Mother, Friend and person in general. I was not only no good to Heavenly, but also to everyone else around me.
In that situation, we made the HARD choice that it was best for everyone- me, my husband, my children, AND Heavenly to live in a safe home that was not ours.
Did I mention it was a hard choice?
So, I know that many foster parents are wondering what exactly the process is.
First, we had open communication with our caseworkers the entire time. We had mentioned a few weeks earlier that things weren’t going the greatest and we might be moving towards disruption. Just a heads up type of thing. We were hoping that conversation would bring about a heftier support network from the agency to help us through, but our agency was stretched so darn thin that nothing more was provided (oh, how broken is the system!). Finally, we called our caseworker and said that we were in need of disrupting. Everyone was so kind and grateful to us, and they didn’t give us any speeches that I was expecting. There was no “are you sure?” “do you understand all the ramifications?”, but instead they listened carefully and really worked with us. After that initial phone call, we had to write up a letter of reasoning- what we were asking for (disruption), why we were asking for it, and the time frame. From the submission of the letter, there would be 30 days for the agency to find a new home. HOWEVER, we specifically requested that there not be a rush on her case and that a good home would be found rather than a quick home. We would rather have kept her for an additional 6 months and found the BEST HOME POSSIBLE than rushed her out and sent her to somewhere that would not be fitting for her. Our agency was very understanding of this request and they began the search on their end.
After about one week, they had a potential family in mind, and I demanded that we meet them before making any final decisions. The family also wanted to meet Heavenly and make sure it was a good fit, so we were off on the right foot. If there is ever a right foot in this type of situation.
The next thing we did (and without doubt the hardest part of the whole saga), was to sit down with Heavenly and let her know what was going on. We explained that we felt like we weren’t the best parents that she needed at the time, and we wanted to find her a home that could meet her needs better. We really wanted to focus on it being a decision on our shoulders, not because of her or something that she had done. I’m sure she still has these thoughts and feelings and that eats me up inside, but we wanted to tell her the absolute truth while also letting her know that she is still loved- immensely.
We were able to meet with the family and then later go home and discuss how comfortable they made Heavenly feel, what the pros and cons were of living with them, what the pros and cons were of living with us, etc. We really wanted Heavenly to feel involved in making the decision and not like we were undermining her or getting rid of her.
After that first meeting, things went FAST! Heavenly went with them on a family vacation and while she was gone, the paperwork was signed. It went much faster than I was expecting it to go, but in some ways it made it a bit easier.
This was our experience through disruption. Not many experiences in the foster world look the same, and I know that many disruptions have gone much differently than this. Some happen literally overnight, some do not happen on good terms. Sometimes the foster parents choose not to tell the foster kiddos and there is simply a social worker there to pick them up from school. No matter what, a foster disruption will have pain and questioning involved. It’s not a pretty thing to walk through, but sometimes it ends up being what is best for the child and the family.
Thank you all so much for bearing with me as we walk this road. For being supportive and encouraging, and for all the prayers, always. They mean the world to us.
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing! We are “disrupting” two teens in our home, although they would be searching for an adoptive home for them soon anyway as their goal recently changed to adoption and TPR is pending. Fostering them has been a very difficult whirlwind for our family, but even still, I feel horrible for putting them into another unknown situation. They are 14 & 15 with challenging behaviors, so even after 2 months of searching for a new home, none have surfaced. They will be moving to a group home tonight and I am really struggling with that fact. If they were to remain in our home, it would be as you stated, a detriment to them, our family, our marriage, and our jobs. To me, this is one of the hardest things to process – our desire to stick-with them and keep them until age 18, but the knowledge that it truly will not work because of the circumstances. Very few people can relate to where we are at, so thank you again for sharing your story.
I know this post is a couple years old, but thank you for writing it! We are in the third month of a foster adoption placement of two boys and even though we spent years praying about it and a year doing all the licensing, we really feel like we aren’t the right fit for these two we were matched with. I’m struggling with guilt and overwhelm and don’t know how to even start the process of potentially breaking everyone’s hearts. It seems like such a taboo subject and we feel like such failures in the process.
I am looking into disrupting, how should I address, and write the letter
Same looking for this as well
I did the same thing with a 15 yrs old teenager who I had to call the police on a couple of times. This was very hard and I ended up losing my Foster License. When a child leaves they are asked what was it like in your home. You have to be willing to know the child has the last say and can say anything to get back at you. Every comment has to be investigated. You have to have an EXCELLENT rapor with the social worker and that can be hard. Sometimes Social Workers lie or aren’t upfront about issues the child has and leave you to discover as they are desparate for placements. If you are looking at disrupting be prepared for an investigation. I was told I didn’t have the mentality to be a foster parent and that truly hurt.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I had a placement for almost a year and social workers are not upfront with you. I’m also thinking what lies will my foster kid say for attention that can cause me my license. They also didn’t care to have a transition plan for his move so no they really don’t have the best interest of the kids.
You’re wrong. This post is SO WRONG. You’re helping guide others to give up. And you’re encouraging others to take matters into their own hands rather than working with state agencies.
You can justify your actions by saying it’s a job, and that YOUR FAMILY is the priority, but that’s where you made your first mistake. When you decide to foster or adopt and you treat that child as any different than your family, you are VERY OBVIOUSLY not seeing through a true “Christ-like” lens. They ARE your family if you make that choice. This is an error in thinking and wrong. That child IS your child and in that child’s mind, YOU FAILED THEM.
And the fact that you didn’t fully understand what you were getting into or the possibility it might make things harder for you and your family is ON YOU. It means YOU didn’t do your homework. Shame on you.
Placement disruption is devastating to a child’s mental health, self esteem, ability to make ongoing healthy connections, and has incredible likelihood of having lasting PERMANENT damaging effects. Kids in foster care have already had biological parents fail them… NOW the child has had ANOTHER adult fail them.
People don’t understand how hard it is to find placements. It’s rarely as fast as you talk about here. It usually involves several transitions and can even result in backwards momentum, as this kind of disruption often means kids go to residential facilities, where kids are damaged even further.
Relationships will rarely be easy for a child who has several adults GIVE UP on them.
I don’t read anything here about unmanageable behavior, risky behaviors, or efforts you made to seek and get support before giving up. YOU FAILED. And anyone walking away from reading this who doesn’t take those steps before GIVING UP is making that same choice.
This makes me sick. No God I believe in would support this. God will sort you out in the end. Shame.
And side note to anyone reading this… ASK FOR HELP!!! There are resources available to help.
I came here looking for advice and comfort because we are sort of forced into disrupting a child we have had for over a year. We love him. Dearly. We have been stopped at every turn by the birth mother on taking him on family vacations, on what we can and can’t do with school activities and classes, on over the counter MEDICINE, over what content and media he is “allowed” to view (due to a skewed perception of what is “evil”) and the only times he’s allowed to go on vacations with us is with court intervention. And it’s not always possible to have court intervention. The mother has worked zero of her plan and is toxic to his mental well-being yet continues to gain more privileges despite clinical personnel disagreeing and fighting the court. I have been told for six months that TPR would begin soon. Since then we have had major safety concerns from birth mom. Harassment. Stalking. I have children of my own as well to think about here. The system is failing my foster son. I can’t protect him from it even though I have screamed from the rooftops to advocate for him. After months and months of begging for support and intervention, I finally gave them a deadline to start the process of TPR…. Since I’ve been told for months it would begin. Because we emotionally cannot keep doing what we are doing. Every visit with mom. Every call…. It results in trauma triggers and meltdowns. Self harm. Lashing out. You name it I’ve seen it….
I can’t keep watching it unfold. I can’t keep fearing for my family’s safety and emotional stability because birth mom continues to wreak havoc at every turn
I can’t keep doing this.
I definitely did not give up on him. I never will. But I also can’t jeopardize everyone and everything in the process of advocating for him. Because at the end of the day, he isn’t mine. They remind me of that every time I’m told I can’t do something with a child I’ve raised for over a year.
I’m assuming you don’t have foster children. This is one of the hardest things to do. To decide to disrupt isn’t one a lot of people take lightly. To try to raise a child who has already been brought up one way and when you’re trying to help them be a better version of themselves and they refuse. The potential is there but their previous life overrules.
Don’t throw the first stone.
The resources you speak of are crap. My teen is on his 3rd counselor in a month. Not because of him BUT because of those counselors quitting, etc.
Sometimes as bad as you want to help you aren’t the right fit.
Man I could only read half of this rant. Foster children ARE also different than your own children. They have been raised differently and foster parents may be required to parent them differently. Not disrupting a placement when the disruption is obviously needed is wrong! It is stealing away that child’s chance for finding their right match. And just FYI, if u keep a child and that action leads to divorce, for example, then that’s doubling, tripling trauma for the child and adding trauma for all family members. So the author is not wrong. You are. I could give 500 more reasons, but it would be a waste of my time.
A foster child isn’t your child. A foster child is a child of the state. If God intended for you to be the parent of a foster child, He would have make it happen via adoption.
Suzanne also doesn’t have to justify the reasoning to you and she says right away that’s not the point of this post. She doesn’t have to describe every abuse endured by the other children in the home. Sometimes being able to disrupt a placement is a resource!
God loves the other members of Suzanne’s family too. You’re ridiculous if you think God wants all these other people to endure abuse just so Heavenly doesn’t have to experience distribution. It’s also loving to a child to realize, “I can’t care for you in the ways you need. I thought God was calling me to foster you but clearly that’s wrong. I know God doesn’t believe in abuse of his children and you’re harming God’s children. ”
God also might be using the disruption for good. We don’t know his plan. Yes, it’s hard on Heavenly but it’s not abuse, it’s not life threatening. God can use disruption for good too and knowing Him, He does have a plan. Maybe the best parents for Heavenly weren’t ready so He used Suzanne for the time being.
There’s no reason to act high and mighty. You don’t know God’s plan and your presumption of it, is of the devil. You’re comments here are abusive and don’t point anyone towards Christ.
I found this blog by searching How to Disrupt a Foster child. I read through all of the comments and would like to share my thoughts as a Foster parent. As a Foster parent you barely get paid enough to cover the expenses (essentials) needed for the child. The “stipend” is not enough to pay for new cloths, it’s not enough to pay for entertainment, it’s not enough to pay for a phone, it’s not enough to pay for child activities like Dance classes. Unless you use your own money, the child will go “without”. Meaning many Foster parents are running around getting hand me downs for their Foster kids ; because there is not enough money. This makes the child feel “less” than their peers ; because they getting used stuff or free stuff. Or instead of getting the Nikes that their friends have a school, they are getting shoes from Walmart. The governments own USDA website says the cost to raise a child in 2024 is $1,434 / month (this factors in a modest home, room cost for the child, prorated property tax for the room, prorated energy costs for the room, prorated insurance cost for the room. The government pays ~ half of that amount really needed for kids in Foster care. Other posts are correct, it’s not your child. In fact, a large percentage of the kids don’t even want to be in your home or in Foster care for that matter. They want to be a normal kid and be loved and live with their Bio family. If a Foster kid wants too, they can make life very difficult on their Foster parents. The Foster parents have very limited resources available to discipline the child ; the Foster child knows that their will be minimal consequences for them. Many Foster kids know that if they continue to Act out, eventually they will wear down the Foster parents and there will be a displacement which is what their goal was. We know Foster parents that will not take any kids older than 8 years old ; because once they are teens ; they are very close to adulthood and it’s very difficult to change bad learned behaviors on a child that is 15 or 17 years old. We’ve had Foster kids that come to our home and feel “entitled” and make unreasonable demands on a daily basis.
on the Flip side (now the Positive)…
We’ve had Foster kids that are very Loving, very Caring, very Respectful. Kids that want to be part of a Loving family. Kids that want to pitch in and help. Kids that are willing to learn from mistakes. Kids that want to improve and grow. Kids that care about you and your family. Unfortunately, these Foster kids are the small percentage and not the majority. We’ve Fostered the tough kids, the emotional kids, the angry kids, the destructive kids, the trauma kids, the bi-polar kids, the sexually abused kids, the physically violent kids ; trust me it’s not fun and there is no prize or reward at the end (just a bunch of broken TVs). All Foster parents hope and pray for a nice, sweet Foster child that will be happy to be in a loving/caring home and bond with their family. Foster Parents want to “Love” and “Welcome” Foster children into their home ; they are taking a leap of faith ; they want to help children in need ; we are not their to collect a measly Govt check that barely covers the Food costs of the child. We are not their to be Abused by the Foster child “because they don’t want to be their”. One of my Aunts put it this way; Michael we have family members that need a place to stay, they need a bed, they have no food, they don’t have a car, they can’t afford their housing; and yet you take in these kids and treat them like Family and you don’t even know them. The reason we do this is because we want help a child in need, and we hope that they want to be part of a Loving family ; but if they don’t want to be in your home; you are wasting your time. No amount of re-programming or therapy is going to change that. It’s like trying to keep around an employee that doesn’t like their boss (Foster parents), or doesn’t like their co-workers (your kids) ; it’s not going to work. It’s like trying to change a bad friend into a good friend ; how many times does that really work? In our opinion, It’s better to do a Disruption and trust in your Faith that the Child will find a new home that it will be a better fit for them and they will find their true happiness. When disrupting a child, don’t come up with a list of reasons you are Disrupting, it will only backfire on you. Just simply swallow your pride and say, “We are Disrupting because We are not a good fit for this child”. Period. Done. No Further Reason Needed. WARNING: Do Not say Another Word. Good Luck.