I gently sat down in a chair in the waiting room at the doctors office, juggling the clipboard, a water cup, a diaper bag and the carseat holding my brand new 6 week old baby. I glanced through the paperwork- filling out the medical and personal information, lingering on the questionnaire labeled “depression/anxiety survey”. I glanced through all of the questions, the answers coming easily to me…
…I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things….
….I have looked forward with enjoyment to things…
….I have blamed myself when things went wrong…
….I have been anxious or worried for no good reason…
…I have felt scared or panicky for no good reason…
…things have been getting on top of me…
…I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping…
…I have felt sad or miserable…
…I have been so unhappy that I have been crying…
Yes, Yes, No, No, No, No and No.
I smiled to myself, so relieved to be in a better place mentally and physically than I had been just 6 weeks before. And then I froze. And read back through the questions, asking myself the same questions but reflecting on my experiences during my pregnancy.
No, No, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes.
I knew I wasn’t struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety now that the baby was here. But what I hadn’t known is that I was struggling with it during my pregnancy. Not one person asked me if I was depressed, or struggling with unhappier then usual thoughts or hormone fluctuations. I have never met another person who has talked about having prenatal depression, and I didn’t know until well after my pregnancies that that was what I was going through. All of my appointments focused on the physical part of pregnancy- how was my blood pressure/heart rate? How was the baby moving, how was the baby’s heart rate? How was the nausea? Any questions? Done.
I think that pregnancy can be such a tricky topic. It’s something that many people long for, and it’s something that many people don’t ever get to experience. Some women tragically lose their babies, during pregnancy. For some, pregnancy is unexpected or even unwanted. For some, pregnancy is the biggest joy and delight and even if it is miserable, it is the greatest fulfilled longing of their hearts. Each woman has a different experience during pregnancy, and I often felt that I wasn’t allowed to say anything negative because my negative experience paled in comparison to what others experienced in this area.
For me- my pregnancies were all expected and welcome…I am in a healthy, happy marriage. We are financially stable enough to have another child. We have a great family life that caters wonderfully to children. I have a good support system. I don’t have any health complications or trauma around pregnancy or delivery.
On paper, I SHOULD be delighted with every moment of pregnancy. I should be thankful and grateful and #blessed. I have been told numerous times to just be thankful that I CAN be pregnant, and that I have no business complaining about any part of it.
To be fair, I am one of those “lucky” women who feel sick 100% of the my pregnancy. From 4 weeks to 40 weeks I do not leave the house without an emesis bag, a zofran, my water, and a hard candy/mint to suck on. If you haven’t experienced this before…it is NO FUN.
And all of this led me to a place during my pregnancy where I felt deeply sad, unmotivated, unattached to the baby and my other kids, decreased interest in doing anything that I usually enjoy, pulling away from friends/family, not wanting to talk about my pregnancy, feeling “numb”, strongly disliking my body, and having difficulty making decisions. Of course, I powered through and did what I had to do to keep my little family moving along. You would never know from looking at the pictures or even seeing me in real life! But looking back now in hindsight, it is so obvious that I was struggling with more than just a hormone shift and feeling yucky. Within hours after my baby is born, I feel like a fog has lifted and within days I feel a renewed energy and vigor and interest in my life again.
I was never officially diagnosed with prenatal depression, since I didn’t even realize it until it was over. But now that I have had time to reflect on it, I have reached the conclusion that I really was depressed. The tricky thing about depression is that when we are struggling with it, we tend to think that we need a reason why. But the nature of depression is that often there isn’t a reason why. But I think that pregnancy really complicates things because I feel a cultural/spiritual culture/personal pressure to be delighted with the blessing of a child.
It’s taken me a year to write this post because I still feel like I struggle with judgement on this topic. However, I want to write this a publish it in case it can help someone else who is experiencing prenatal depression and feels the same guilt (whether self-inflicted or coming from others). I encourage you to talk to your doctor about it, to be willing to share with your spouse and friends. You are not alone. Even if this feels like something you “shouldn’t” be feeling, it is ok to acknowledge these feelings and discover ways to work through them.
For me, the depression lifted almost immediately after the baby was born, and my postpartum was a beautiful, peaceful and an emotionally stable time, which I am so thankful for, especially after experiencing both depression and anxiety after my first two babies. Here is what I did differently with my last two babies than my first two, which I think made a huge difference postpartum.
If you are pregnant and experiencing depression during your pregnancy, please feel free to reach out to me, please talk to your doctor and please talk to your support system. If you have a friend or a family member who is pregnancy but doesn’t seem very happy about it, will you give them a hug and let them know that they can share with you? It honestly can make such a huge difference.