SIP Diary Day 17

In case it wasn’t clarified- “SIP” means Shelter in Place. I feel like I am stuck somewhere between quarantine and self-isolation. Left to my own devices, this is not what I would chose for us, so I don’t feel comfortable saying that we are “self-isolating”. But at the same time, we haven’t reached the levels of calling it “quarantine” yet. Quarantine is much more strict and severe, where someone else regulates my moves in and out of any space that I occupy. I don’t feel like we have reached that, yet. So, Shelter in Place it is.

Yesterday Theo got home from work and mentioned that he may possibly have been exposed to the virus. It’s hard to know because there is just not enough testing to go around, and so Theo has to continue his life as normal whether we think he has been exposed or not. Unless he shows symptoms, life goes on as normal. I have never once regretted or doubted his choice to be a police officer. I am for sure aware of some of the ways that he and our family may sacrifice for this job. But I never once thought that being on the front lines of a pandemic would be in the cards. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I am still grateful that my husband is healthy and able to be out there. If I could selfishly wish one thing, though, it would be that my husband could work from home. The danger in that would lie in the fact that I would probably feel as if we were invincible, and therefore lay false hope in the safety of the four walls of our home. Searching for safety is not inherently wrong, but this pandemic is teaching me one thing: I have many idols that I have spent many years bowing down to worship. One of those is health and safety the otherwise blissful privelage that I live in day in and day out.

The question that plagues most of us these days is “when will we see an end?”. We are in a tunnel. We have now gone deep enough into the tunnel that the daylight has completely receded. We are plunged into complete and utter darkness. And we continue to hear whispers that this is only the beginning of the tunnel, that we still have not reached a peak, and that this is far from over. We don’t even see a hint of a hint of a hint of light at the end of the tunnel. My heart cries out, “How long, O Lord? How long?!” I wish we could know the end. Not the details of how it ends, but WHEN. Oh, Lord, when? Today President Trump announced that we will shelter in place until at least April 30th. That is 32 days from now. And even then, we don’t what the future holds. I need hope. We all need hope. Lord, give us hope.

Today wasn’t all that bad, though. Theo was home from work, and it was a gloriously sunny day again. The wind was so strong it felt like it was whipping all the way across the United States, twirling the blond hair of my little cuties, sending leaves and pollen and bits of flowers flying across the yard. I took a walk BY MYSELF, and I think that was the first time in two full weeks that I was actually truly alone. It let me draw breathe deeper into my lungs. I know that sounds silly, but to anyone who has been surrounded 24/7 by humans of the tiny variety, they know that the mind tends to gather the cobwebs of the shouts and the cries and the needs and the wants and the constant mundanes. Don’t get me wrong: I love my children and I am so thankful that I get to be home with all three of their beautiful healthy and growing bodies. There is no greater privilege. But it is an exhausting one!