SIP Diary Day 29

Things that quarantine has taught me:

1. I have a lot of idols. Namely, my family and my health. I have wrestled with understanding that the Lord actually loves and cares for my family members more than I do.
2. That God’s will is good. Honestly, I’ve wrestled with feeling like a puppet in His hands. I cringe at the verses that are taken out of context about God giving abundant material blessings. He does grant us so many material blessings, but I am discovering that I care so little about the spiritual blessings that He gives. I’m working on that.
3. Spring is gorgeous when you get to watch it burst forth slowly each day. I haven’t left my house in 29 days except to go for hikes, and each day it is subtlety greener and more in bloom. It’s amazing to watch. Most springs I just wake up one day and realize it’s Spring. This time I have been able to watch the earth burst forth from it’s winter slumber. Amazing.

1. Motherhood is isolating. Honestly? I have gone many times in my life as mother without seeing other people outside my family for weeks at a time. This is hard, but it’s also “normal” for me. And I’m realizing that it shouldn’t be. I am not meant to live in isolation. I need to work on that…when we can finally get out of isolation.
2. I’m so proud of my husband and the fact that he signed up for this job. No, he didn’t know that he would be going out into a pandemic, but he did sign up for a lot of unknowns and a lot of potential danger. And he hasn’t backed down once. I am also so proud of all the medical members of the Hines family. We’ve got six Hines out there on the front lines (1 police officer and 5 medical staff members)
3. I sure do live in a lot of privilege.
4. I am probably experiencing some depression and for sure some diagnosable anxiety. Not sure where to go with that next, but there it is. I’m admitting it and that’s the first step. Not that I’ve been in denial (I haven’t), but sometimes I just don’t know how to go about thinking/talking/dealing with those types of things
5. I need a schedule to keep myself and the kids sane. My kids will probably grow up and wish that our household had been more go with the flow and fun, but I just can’t make decisions when I haven’t previously thought through them when level-headed. It is what it is. I’m not the fun Mom, but I am the consistent Mom.
6. I really miss my parents. I see so many people complaining about how they are no longer allowed to get together with their parents or don’t have access to the babysitting that their parents provide. And I’m over here thinking “that is my life all of the time”. I miss them. I pray for them and their safety and worry over them. And I’m bummed that their trip back to the States isn’t happening until whenever this ends. I haven’t seen them in a year and I don’t know the next time I will see them.
7. I am praying and hoping and praying that this will be over, sooner rather than later. But I’m also praying and hoping that we don’t ever go back to “normal”. We think through relationships and friendships and helping people. We learn to get out of debt and what “essentials” really are. We support local and small businesses and we appreciate our first responders and medical workers just as much as we do right now in the midst of a pandemic.