When Tera was just over two years old, she started to have an opinion about what she wanted to wear.
Of course, being her mother, I knew better what matched and what would look stylish and what would probably elicit more compliments (to me as the parent, let’s be honest) if she was dressed “properly”.
So every morning we would go to war. I would carefully pick out clothes that matched and looked socially acceptable, and she would just go right ahead and choose something entirely different to add to the outfit or just change her outfit as soon as possible.
I finally realized…she doesn’t want me to dress her anymore. She wants to dress herself.
And, with my teeth gritted and my whole body rigid, I decided to let go and let Tera dress herself. She loves combining strips and polka dots. She loves putting together an outfit that has every shade of one color. She loves layering. She loves adding accessories and the more pizzaz, the better. She is filled with confidence when she selects her own outfit and places on it herself.
I’m not sure where we got the social constructs that we as parents have to spend our children’s entire lives choosing each minute detail of their day, down to what they wear. I am not sure when we as a society decided that mismatched or strangely dressed children are uncared for properly. All I know is that somewhere along the way, I decided that I wouldn’t be seen as a good Mom if my child clearly wasn’t dressed properly by me. I felt like I had to dress my children in cute outfits that matched. But when I let go of those ideas, our entire lives changed for the better. I know it seems excessive to say that letting go of something so inconsequential made such a big deal, but it truly did.
And guess what? In the past three years since I let her start dressing herself, I have not once regretted it. Here are 5 things I have learned from letting my daughter dress herself:
- It builds her confidence. She loves choosing her outfits. She feels beautiful and capable and like herself when she carefully chooses what to wear. Raising girls is challenging because there is a very delicate balance between cherishing their outer beauty while also building up their inner beauty and confidence. Believe it or not, something as small as choosing her own outfits seems to lend to both an inner confidence and an outer feeling of beauty for our Tera.
- SHE receives more compliments (I receive less). I will never forget the first time that I let Tera go out in public in one of her less-than-matching-outfits. We went to the library for story time and when we were checking out our books, a librarian approached Tera and GUSHED to her about how much she loved her outfit, how she could tell that she picked it herself and how wonderful the entire thing was. Tera LIT UP. I mean, she was beaming. This librarian is beautiful and clearly has her own sense of personal style (blue hair, exotic colors, fun jewelry) and Tera just DRANK in her compliments. I think I stood there with my mouth open. Usually, when I dress the kids in something match and socially acceptable, people will compliment ME, telling me how well-dressed, cute and pretty my children are. This time, it was all directed TO Tera and she could not have felt more special and loved in that moment. I thought this would be a one-time thing, but it has continued over the years. I receive less compliments, and Tera receives many, many more. Listen: it’s obvious to everyone that SHE is the one picking her clothing, and therefore she is the one who deserves the compliments.
- She takes more personal responsibility for her clothing and other choices. When I started to let Tera choose her own clothes and dress herself, she started to understand that the clothes in her dresser and her closet were HERS. She started to feel more responsible for those clothes and tends to take better care of them. Somehow, this has spilled over to create personal responsibilities in other areas of her life as well. She is still not perfect and her room is still a mess, but something as small as letting her choose her own clothes seemed to open the mental door to learning what personal responsibility is and that she is more than capable of it.
- She does not rule the entire household just because I let her have total control in this one area. I think that some people worry that letting their children control this area means that their children control everything and the parent control nothing. I will admit that I have thought this before about other people and their children. I see a child dressed in an interesting manner and I wonder if the parent has any control over the child at all. Even just writing that sentence makes me embarrassed because those two things are hardly connected at all! No, Tera still listens to and obeys her parents (as much as any 5 year old does). I still oversee her picking the clothes that she wears to church and she is not allowed to wear pajamas or dress up clothes outside of the house. We have never had a problem with either of those rules because she knows where she is free and she also knows the other boundaries of the household. It’s not an either/or, it’s a both/and.
- It allows me to practice having confidence in my children and letting go of control. The arguments over Tera’s clothing choices and consequent letting go of control over her clothing choices was one of my first BIG motherhood lessons. I learned so much from that choice that I made three years ago. I learned that my children are their own people and that sometimes I am actually not always right (sometimes they are right- even though they are only 2 years old!). I learned that there are some battles that absolutely need to be fought and some that absolutely do not need to be fought. I learned that sometimes our culture upholds value that I have no interest in upholding. I learned that letting my child make her own choices does not mean that I have no control over the household. I learned that seeing my child grow in confidence and responsibility is worth so much more than receiving compliments from others.
What about you? Do you let your children dress themselves? What have you learned from a parenting decision that you made?
