Phew, I took a long break from reflecting on these questions but I am jumping right back in today, and will hopefully come back in the next two weeks with the remaining two installments. To see Part 1, click here. To see Part 2, click here. As a reminder, I am taking these prompts from Laura Tremaine’s podcast and answering them for myself. There are 10 questions to reflect on one year of pandemic living. They have been incredibly helpful and healing for me to go through, and I would recommend you do the same, whether you choose to do it publicly or privately.
Question 5: What will you remember most?
Unfortunately, I think what I will remember most is the inner turmoil that I greatly struggled with. I think I will remember feeling jealous of everyone who got to stay home, while Theo still had to go to work. I think I will remember my feelings of despair and hopelessness. I also remember very sharply the changing of the seasons from winter into spring. It felt nearly painful to watch the earth grow and shift and feel so incredibly stuck myself.
I will also remember the events of June and how hurtful it was to suddenly have so many friends who were anti-police and extremely outspoken about it. I will never forget the sharp pain that hit my chest when Theo sent me a picture of his vandalized cruiser that said the most awful things all over it. I will never forget the words that were strewn across social media that often didn’t even mark true.
I will also remember some good things. I will remember how my friends stepped up to support me in some of my darkest days. I will remember the 4th of July. I will remember my birthday and the chick fil a. I will remember how strong and steady Theo was, even in the face of daily adversity and exhaustion and a wife who was losing it. I will remember doing a drive by party and an obstacle course party and logging into church on zoom. I will remember stuffing my verse cards in my pocket and reading them almost everywhere I went.
And then I realize that it’s not big and grandiose events I remember, its the small, daily practices. It’s the mental state that I fought for and the friends that surrounded me or abandoned me. What a great reminder to me as I continue to tackle my days in this fuzzy possible cautious emergence from a pandemic world.
Question 6: What was the biggest challenge?
Hands down my biggest challenge was my mental health! There was something about the timing and the urgency of the pandemic that I just started to spiral. I was already coming out of my worst mental health month anyways (February). I was eager for Spring and then when spring came it was wet and rainy and cold. So I eagerly waited for summer, and with summer arrived the tensions around law enforcement in our country. I literally could not get a grip. I have never been in such a bad state. I am so thankful to have moved past that particular spiral, but I still feel like I am recovering.
One of the biggest challenges of my mental health struggles is the guilt I associate with it. I tell myself I have no reason to feel that way, and that as a result of feeling that way I am a burden on my children and especially my husband, who arguably should have received much more support from me during the summer of 2020! It took a lot of wrestling through that mindset and I feel like I am in a better place no just mentally, but in understanding daily struggles and giving myself and others around me more grace and compassion. I have always been a person who goes non-stop and gets the things that I want done, done. And so going through a year of being almost unable to function was a real lesson to me in God’s daily grace and mercy. It was a real lesson to me in humility and thankfulness. I still think daily about how much I can accomplish and am thankful for each task that I am able to do. I know now that is not the case for everyone everywhere and walking through that season taught me to not take my daily abilities for granted.
