We were in the middle of our second stomach bug of the year.
Which also came in the middle of several other illness- strep throat, our second round of COVID, pink eye, several colds.
I was tired. Weary. Exhausted. Stressed. And I felt like I just could. not. do. it.
I ran into my room and closed the door sharply. I collapsed onto my bed and began to weep. Not the kind of crying that happens with a bad mood or an argument, but the kind of crying that wracks your whole body, that comes from deeper than the heart and the gut. As I sobbed, Theo gently opened the door and stood in the doorway. And then he asked,
“But, Suzanne….is it worth it? Are they worth it?”
This comment stopped me in my tracks and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for the past few months.
We usually don’t know going into parenting how utterly challenging it truly can be. I look around in wonder at all the parents who are still functioning humans despite the fact that they are bearing the weight of this responsibility, the one that feels like too much to bear sometimes. Before becoming parents, we are naive- and I think that is ok. It’s just part of the process. Of course, as we learn to parent and raise kids, we get some experience under our belts and we certainly have some of the best and most enjoyable memories and moments as parents. I will not deny that the delight the children have brought into our home is unparalleled.
But in the midst of a really, really hard season in our family, in the middle of illness number 15?
Is it worth it? Are they worth it?
Are the children worth all of the pain and work?
Are they worth my time? My effort? My digging down deep and wiping one more nose, serving one more healthy meal, changing one more set of seats, buckling the seat belt again and again?
Of course, on the surface, I would absolutely say – YES – raising these kids is worth all the hard moments.
But at the time? Nope. I was not living like they worth any of it.
I was living with an attitude that outwardly showed that my kids were not worth the personal sacrifice of caring for them in the midst of illness.
Ouch.
Now, I am not going to be perfect and happy go lucky all of the time. It’s ok to have hard days. Mama still needs breaks sometimes, too.
But my attitude was displaying to my kids (and husband) that the level of sacrifice required of me was not worth it.
So, slowly, slowly, I have been shifting my attitude.
When something in parenting feels hard, I ask myself “Is it worth it?” and I usually end up concluding that it is worth putting down the phone to spend face to face time with my kid, it is worth getting up in the middle of the night to be their comfort, it is worth changing the sheets one more time after someone has wet the bed, it is worth the inconvenience of interruption over and over throughout the day, it is worth sitting down and reading books with them even at the end of a very long day, it is worth slowing down and being a few minutes if it means that I’m not shouting at the kids while leaving the house.
Basically, I am slowly learning that being intentional with my kids, that digging down deep and repeatedly continuing to do the hard things required of mothers is absolutely worth it.
Don’t get me wrong- I have a long ways to go. I have not come even slightly near perfecting this.
And a note should be made here that motherhood is not martyrdom nor is it full sacrifice to the point of breakdown (your own oxygen mask and all that). There are some many delightful moments in motherhood and there are so many benefits and there is time that needs to be taken for mothers to recharge and not always sacrifice it all.
But when I need to dig down deep in one hard moment that feels like too much, I can remind myself of the truth that my kids are worth it.
