Tera Evelynne is 3 months old.
We are just now finding a schedule.
We are just now sleeping through the night (and we are some of the luckier ones!)
I am just now realizing that I *might* actually be able to keep this child alive.
There are good days and there are horrible, horrible bad days.
Like this morning, for example. I woke up at 4:30 to say goodbye to Theo and send him off to work. I climbed back into bed at 5, only to wake up at 6 to feed Tera. After a 40 minute feed, I drifted off to sleep again, only to be awoken by Cyrus barking to go outside. I let him out, fed him and the cats, then climbed back into bed AGAIN to try and get some rest. I woke up at 9:30 only to feel EXHAUSTED and like I got hit by a truck. A huge one. But such is life, so I wake up and make my mile-long to-do list. Theo worked Saturday and Sunday back to back (didn’t come home between), and then I worked Monday. The exhaustion is real. But I finally decided to get myself motivated to go for a long run- 3 miles, to be exact. I picked a spot 1.5 miles from my house, got the dog ready, got the baby ready, got myself ready…and off we went. We made it to the 1.5 mile mark in good time. I turned the stroller around to head the 1.5 miles back home….and the heavens opened up. It started pouring. Thankfully, the stroller has a great canopy and I don’t think Tera felt a single raindrop. Cyrus and I, however, were getting soaked. So I decided to step it up and push a little faster. As soon as I did this, Cyrus gagged and puked. And proceeded to try and eat it, of course. So after Cyrus puked, I decided it was not a good idea to sprint-jog the rest of the way home. So we walked. In the pouring rain. Pushing a stroller.
It was not my best Mom moment.
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(I know you just thought to yourself, “What the heck is that?” Well, let me explain. I was working on this blog post, and went to the window to look out at the torrential downpour. When I turned around, Moose was sitting on my laptop. I guess he just really wanted to guest post. =)
But then there are these moments. When I stick her in her Bumbo seat and she just looks at me and smiles so BIG and babbles away at me, and grunts from all the hard work of holding her head up. When I give her a bath and she just kicks her legs because she is so HAPPY to just be in that bathtub looking up at me! When I wake her up in the morning and she opens those heavy eyelids and then cracks the biggest smile because she see’s that it is me. Oh, being a Mom is truly the greatest joy and gift!
So I wanted to write a little letter of sorts to those first-time Mom’s out there. To myself, really.
Dear Mommy,
First of all, I want to tell you that you’ve got this. It’s true what they say..being a Mom is both the hardest job and the most rewarding job. Some days it will be hard, some days it will be rewarding…and some days it will be both! But you won’t actually understand what people are saying until you get to live it out. Every single day.
Someone asked me a few weeks ago what the best thing is about being a Mom. Without hesitation, I answered that it is an absolute joy to witness firsthand the growth of a tiny little human. From a tiny little seed inside me, to a tiny little wriggly, “cheese” covered birth-baby, to a head-holding-up, smiling baby girl. And there is so much more to come. Like rolling over, and sitting up and taking some steps and saying words and then learning how to sing and add and dance and play and reason and all those wonderful, beautiful things.
I also want to tell you, dear Mommy, that it takes a lot for a baby to NOT thrive. I worry everyday. I worry about that streak of green in the poop (totally normal). I worry about the blood on the onesie from the belly button stump (totally normal). I worry about that first episode of projectile vomit (totally normal). I worry about the fact that she is not yet sleeping through the night, and so-and-so is (totally normal). I worry that she is not breathing whenever I turn off the light (she is). I worry that she is not getting enough milk (she is). I worry that she has sat in her wet diaper for 4 hours because I completely forgot that I needed to change it (she will be fine). I worry about whether or not to vaccinate. I worry about if she is too hot, or too cold. I worry that she spit up so much after eating. Then the next feeding I worry because she didn’t spit up at all.
Oh, you do that, too? Well, I want you to know that all those worries and fears and times you spend thinking about your baby and what might be going wrong…that just shows that you are great Mom. The best Mom. If you were a horrible Mom, if you were doing things wrong…then you probably wouldn’t care at all about any of those things.
Sure, you will get somethings wrong. The bath water might be too hot or too cold. The green poop might mean you ate a little too much spinach yesterday. The research on vaccines will change and you will wonder why you made that decision. Your baby will get a cold because you accidentally took her out in a rain storm.
But you will survive. Your baby will survive. She won’t be perfect, she will also make mistakes. But how beautiful would it be if she could look at you and see a wonderful Mom who cares SO. MUCH. and yet still makes mistakes? How freeing will it be for our daughters and our sons if they understand that their worth is not found in perfection? How much more will it teach our children if we are willing to admit that we made some mistakes, that we didn’t have it all together, that we didn’t even know what we were doing in the first place!
And, Momma- one more thing. You are doing a great job. You are an amazing Mom. Your work is not in vain. Your time is not being wasted. Your tears and frustrations are being heard. You are not alone.