I’m sitting on my bed listen to the birds chirp and a lawnmower mow the grass.
The smell of people grilling out is wafting through the air.
Tera is taking a nap, Moose is taking a nap and I’m just typing away at my computer.
Theo is at work.
I’m trying really hard to not throw a pity party. It’s sort of working.
I hate this. The fact that Theo works on so many holidays. Let’s see…since a year ago, Theo has worked 4th of July, Christmas Eve (meaning we had to travel on Christmas day once he got off work), New Year’s Eve (and also New Year’s Morning, since he works through the night), Easter Sunday, Memorial Day and our anniversary (tomorrow). Theo doesn’t get holidays off. In fact, most medical professionals don’t.
It’s hard. There is always the choice to go all out and celebrate without him. Today I’ve been invited to two different parties. But it’s hard…going to a party with a child, dragging all the neccessary items, getting myself and Tera presentable for being in public, and then having to socialize, eat, feed the baby and prevent all melt-downs while being apart from your better half.
Last 4th of July I sat in my bedroom and listened to the fireworks while I bawled my eyes out that I was all alone. Tera wasn’t born, and I hadn’t been invited anywhere. For Christmas I abandoned Theo and was spending time with his family, which is always nice…but again, I always miss him during those special times. New Year’s I went and hung out with my cousin and arrived home in the pitch black at the stroke of midnight, only to find my smoke alarm going off…Tera started crying and by the time I got her calmed down and in bed ‘Happy New Year’s’ was long over. It was a sad night. Today, Memorial Day, I’ve been invited to two different outings! One was friends of Theo and that seemed a little strange to attend…and the other is another friend that I know, but that I probably won’t know anyone else at the party. I feel stupid just staying at home when I have the opportunity to go out, but I also sometimes just don’t have the energy to put on a confident face and rock a social outing when I have to deal with an active little girl.
Sometimes I get brave enough to go out on these holidays. And I usually return home in tears. It’s a huge combination of missing Theo, feeling stressed out with having to make Tera behave in a foreign setting, not getting enough social “me” time, and of course feeling like everybody in the world gets to spend time with their loved ones.
But of course that is not true. When I go through these days when Theo is gone, especially these special days…I always think of the single Mom, and how she does this every single day. I think of the Mom who’s husband is deployed and how long and lonely her days must feel. And today, Memorial Day, I think of all those who have lost. Those who are lonely for longer than my silly little 24 hours. Maybe it not a soldier that was lost, but “just” a husband, a Dad. Either way, it’s tough.
So these are the thoughts that are bouncing around in my head today. I usually try to keep these stories pretty funny…you know, it’s hilarious all the things that happen to me When Theo is Gone. And really, it truly is comical how when Theo works SOMETHING will go awry. But it’s always the holidays that he works that I have the hardest time and feel the loneliest. I’m sure I’m not the only one in this boat!