The Battlefield of My Mind (Part II)

Thank you to the many of you who read my last post, who reached out and commented and let me know that you are thinking of and praying for us. I always welcome your comments and messages, it means the world to me.

If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, you can read Part I of the story here.

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I went from being depressed and anxious and absolutely overwhelmed to being complete drugged. I didn’t have any problem sleeping. In fact, I couldn’t stay awake. Once I started taking the medicine, I couldn’t get out of bed or off the couch. If it took me hours to perform a task before, it now was impossible to complete the task. I called the doctor in a panic (it took me two days to do that- seriously, so sluggish and like I was drugged) and she said to try it for a few more days but take half the dose. I tried that with absolutely no improvement and finally quit it cold turkey. I had been on the medication for 10 days. After speaking with the doctor and doing some research, we discovered that this particular medication has long-lasting side effects and the side effects can last up to 25 days. And guess how many days they did indeed last? 25. So for 35 days of this previous summer I was in a complete dazed stupor. I couldn’t complete anything. There were days I couldn’t even watch my kids and had to call friends to come pick them up. This did not help my mental state at all. In fact, it made it so much worse. Now not only did I feel terrible, but I felt guilty for feeling terrible. I could hardly take care of my children, let alone my husband who was in the most stressful period of his career thus far. 

I feel like I need to make a note here that during this entire time that I have written about, I was a struggling Christian, but a Christian nonetheless. Not once did I feel like I needed to abandon my faith or be angry with God. I did ask question. I did wonder out loud “why?”. But overall, I just didn’t have the mental energy or ability to even think about God or the eternal hope that I have in Him. It was a very moment by moment faith. I clung to Scripture and I read as much of the Bible as my weary eyes would stay open for. I prayed and I asked for a miracle. It’s a tricky thing having a mental illness and being a Christian, medication or not. I was especially hard on myself that I wasn’t handling the pandemic and the police situation with a better faith than a non-believer. I still wrestle with that concept. If I’m a Christian, shouldn’t I be filled with less fear, less doubt, less mental struggle than someone who is not a believer? How can I be a successful witness when I’m not very successful at all? I don’t have an answer for that, perhaps one day I will. 

I was just struggling. I wanted to just BE. Be the person I used to be. The person full of energy and life. The person who comes up with creative things to do with my kids. The person who reads at least five books a month. The person who can be go, go, go. The person who helps others and encourages others. The person who is spiritual and thankful even in the midst of challenges. I wasn’t that person, and to an extent, I still don’t feel like that person. I don’t know…maybe I’m a different person now. I was still struggling with some of the trauma we had been through during all of the unrest the month before, but I still felt like I was not allowed to talk about it or convey what our family has gone through.

By this point in my story, it is the end of July and I am beginning to emerge from my post medication haze. The good thing about taking the medication and becoming so terribly affected by it was that once the medication wore off, I felt like a million bucks, even if I was still depressed. I was SO thankful to be able to cook dinner and take care of my kids all day. I was SO glad that I could read and understand what I was reading and take the time to think again. Honestly, taking the medication did help to pull me out of the worst of my depression- purely for the shock value of learning and experiencing how much worse it could actually be. 

In the midst of all that, I had taken a job as the 1st grade teacher and it started in just 3 short weeks. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to do it, and I basically doubted myself from day 1. Thankfully, things have gotten better for me. My job as a 1st grade teacher is a DELIGHT, and it gets me out of the house and gives me something to do. I don’t feel the least bit inadequate once I get in front of that room full of children. 

Having depression is scary. I hate feeling like I am not fully in control, and like nothing I tell my brain seems to sink. in. I get very down on myself for being someone who struggles with a mental illness. I want to be strong and accomplished and the friend who helps people through things, not the friend who continually needs help through things. I want to be the person who has overcome, but I always wonder if and when the depression will come back. I still struggle with hope- will things get better? And if they don’t, HOW practically do I put my hope in heaven, where things will FOR SURE be better?

Some probably wonder what my stance is on medication now after these experiences. I know that in some conservative Christian circles, medication is frowned upon. I am not one of those people who thinks that, but I do feel like medication is often over-used and seen as the first resort when it could be a later resort after exercise, diet, deleting social media, and trying to get good sleep. I personally am not a fan of medication for myself after this experience. I have learned that if a medication has a listed side effect, I WILL have that side effect. Things as simple as excedrin give me WILD results, and taking a Benadryl will knock me out for at least 24 hours! As my doctor said, “You’d better not take up drinking, because you are what we would call a ‘lightweight’!” Ha!

Am I still depressed? Eh, it’s hard to say. It’s been a tough year. I’m weary, I’m exhausted, I’m often stressed and overwhelmed. But then again, I think to some extent- we all feel this way right now. We are living through a global pandemic, an election and so much injustice and unrest. I still struggle with feeling positive emotions like I always used to. But I’m sure doing a lot better than I was just a few months ago. During the months of May, June and July, I would probably have one good day a week if I was lucky. Now I’m the opposite, where I often have at least one bad day a week, and the rest are enjoyable. I’m laughing again and I’m looking forward to days I get to teach and the people I get to see in the hallway at school. We are doing a new church plant with our church and I’m excited about that. I yell at my kids less often and smile at my husband more often.

I know that some people reading this post will wonder why I didn’t say anything sooner, or think that they just didn’t know! I mean, part of it is that we were in almost total isolation during this. And part of it is that I felt unable to speak out during the unrest of the summer. To be honest, I felt shamed that we are a law enforcement family. I felt as if I was not aloud to speak. As if I am less-than everyone else. Perhaps that is just me putting those unfair ideas on myself, but perhaps there is a little bit of truth to those perceived thoughts and feelings.

In conclusion, I will write another post about the practical things I did to walk through my depression (and as I continue to walk through still not feeling normal). I just wanted to include a few take-aways from my experience, even if you don’t personally know me.

• The biggest takeaway I have from all that I’ve been through this year is this: God is good and sovereign, even when I’m struggling to see and experience it. This hasn’t exactly been the funnest lesson to learn, but here I am. Fully aware of the greatness and goodness and sovereignty of a God that is so far out of my realm of understanding.
• Please, please, please – do your research on political matters, especially in regards to law enforcement. Know why you agree and why you disagree. Don’t just assume that because your friend on Facebook, your pastor or even your friend say something that it is true. It’s ok to disagree with me and want policy change and reform, but please know why. For example- do you know WHY no-knock warrants were established and what they are used for? Do you know what losing qualified immunity would mean for law enforcement families like ours? I’m not asking you to agree- I’m asking you to be informed.
• Please check and double check the things that you post and share online. Will this be especially triggering for someone you love and care about? I had one Facebook friend post a VERY graphic image of a police officer being slaughtered. The point of her post was actually pro law enforcement, but the image itself was so graphic I couldn’t get it out of my mind! This can go for so many other topics, too. Posting graphic images from an abortion to push your point about how gruesome abortion is may be so painful for someone on your friends list who has had an abortion. Posting videos of someone being hurt or abused may be especially triggering for someone you know. Be careful and thoughtful about what you post. Not everyone will agree with the things that you post, and that is ok. But are you hurting and breaking actual friendships for a meme or graphic on social media? Be careful!
• Ask yourself if you are positive that this information is true? Like, backed up by research true?
• Please, please, please- no matter what issue/topic you are discussing, don’t say “Well, my uncle is _________ (an immigrant, a police officer, Black), so I know exactly how those types of people feel/would say”. No. No, we don’t. We can say instead, “in my conversations with one ____________ (person of color, police officer, immigrant), they mentioned _____________ and I tend to agree.”
• Reach out to your friends and family, especially if you know that they struggle. As I mentioned, this whole year has felt lonely and isolating for so many reasons- but a main one for me was that it didn’t even seem to occur to anyone that these events might have a very stressful and negative effect on our family. I have Facebook friends who put up post after post of how supportive they were of law enforcement, but never once reached out to me directly. It felt hurtful in a different kind of way. Like, ok, now you’ve SAID how supportive you are, I’d love to FEEL/SEE it in my real life. Of course, I’m not perfect at stuff like this, either. I say I’m one thing online and then my actions don’t always match up. I know it’s been an exhausting and depleting year for so many and it would be foolish of me to think that people will drop everything and show up on my doorstep just because my husband works in a challenging field in the year of 2020. BUT, it does serve as a good reminder to put our actions where our mouths (or Facebook posts) are. Don’t just vote for what you care about- put that vote into action.
• Be kind. Oh, please…be kind. Sit on comments before you leave them online. Text someone in person leaving an encouraging message. There are a million things we come across on a daily basis that we may not agree with. Even if it seems like such a serious matter, choose kindness within that matter. Bite your tongue. Value relationships over political ideologies.
• Remember that mental illness doesn’t always look like someone laying on the couch and refusing to do anything. Although extremely challenging, I have still been mostly “functional” from the outside throughout all of this. Mental illness doesn’t usually get meal trains and childcare and support because it can be so invisible. And most of us don’t want to volunteer the information because it can feel so embarrassing and overwhelming.