On Leaving (a) Church

I’m not sure where to start a post like this, or what even to include in the writing of it.

I just know that the process of leaving our church has been a huge part of our lives for the past several months, and I feel as if I can’t continue to just post about life without including some thoughts on this huge change for us.

First things first- this will NOT be a tell-all post. No names will be named and I’ll do my absolute best to not point fingers. In fact, I will most likely not even include our top reasons for leaving, as that would just degrade into griping and complaining and far too much finger pointing. We are more than open to having such conversations in person, but I will not go there on this public blog.

Leaving a church is MESSY. Even if done under the best of circumstances, there is always toes to step on, disagreements to be had, and feelings that differ greatly. There are real people involved- real people that we happen to still love, and that we have and have had years-long relationships with.

I also feel like I need to personally clarify (as this is a public blog) that we are not leaving church. We are not walking away from our faith, nor are we taking up with the times and “deconstructing” (although the actual meaning of that word- to basically work out our own faith is not a bad thing at all. I simply mean that in the simplest sense of the word- as many millennials have used the term “deconstructing” to essentially walk away from anything and everything conservatively Biblical). Our reasons for leaving had very little to do with the biblical doctrine of the church and nothing to do with Christianity itself.

If I could sum our leaving up in one reason, it would be this: we felt like we were not in a spiritually healthy space. Our family didn’t feel spiritually healthy, our individual relationships didn’t feel spiritually healthy, and our church did not feel spiritually healthy.

We wrestled for MONTHS about leaving or not. We know that there will always be problems within a church. We know that our spiritual health does not come only from the church body that we worship with, and that the church is not solely responsible for whether or not we are healthy. On the other hand, after feeling stunted in growth for YEARS, we felt like if we continued in the same trajectory, we were just not going to make it much longer with dedicated faith.

Here are some things that we have been learning through this difficult process:

• Gossip and Slander are real and hurtful, but there also needs to be a place for Christians to be able to talk to one another

It is a delicate balance, and one we did not always do well. We did learn that there were so many things being hidden away so as “not to gossip”, when in reality those things really, really needed to be brought to light.

• Different people can have different experiences

In our process of leaving, there were several people who had serious accuastions against others. This left us confused, because even though we had our own reasons for leaving, our experience did not line up with others experiences. It was a challenge to hear and acknowledge someone else’s experience- and act accordingly, even if it had not been our experience. On the other hand, when accusations started flying, we felt like we had to speak up and say that we had not experienced that. Tricky. Tricky.

• Where the Holy Spirit leads, there is peace.

Nothing about the process of leaving our church was peaceful. Nothing. And yet, the day we made the decision we felt so much peace. It was…weird. But it felt like there was no denying the right decision was made when that biblical peace that passes understanding washed over us almost immediately.

• There are absolutely right ways and wrongs to leave a church

I don’t think there is ONE SINGLE RIGHT WAY to do it. Every situation and every person is different. Every personality and every issue and even culture and geographic location can play into how a family walks away from a church. However, I feel strongly that it is important to go about exiting a church in way that reflects Christ, and not the world. This is not a job that we can storm into an office and yell “I QUIT, YOU ARE WRONG!”. Instead, there are Biblical steps clearly laid out in Scripture for how this can go. We found it vital to a healthy exit to OVER-communicate. It looked like meeting with leadership and explaining how we were feeling and why. It looked like meeting with many friends and explaining where we were at and why (while also being careful to not spread dissension through the church body). It looked like giving the leadership time to take our concerns into consideration, and time to change them. It looked like conversations with wise Christ followers outside our church. We did not do it perfectly at all, but we tried to be intentional and not emotional. We tried to be reflectors of Christ and how the Bible lays out interacting with one another over being right.

• Let Others Have Their Own Reaction to Your Decision

Obviously, we feel like we made the best and right decision for our family. But there are many who felt slighted, insulted, or downright hurt by what we decided. Leaving church meant that some of our good relationships were broken. It meant we don’t have the same reliance on one another that we did when we were a part of the same body. But I also learned that I have to let them have that space. I don’t need to convince anyone that my decision was right, I just need to rest in the fact that we made the best decision we could for our family.

• Just Because It’s the Right Decision Doesn’t Mean It Will Be Easy

We felt incredibly peace about our decision, and still do not regret leaving our church. However, it has been HARD. I kind of feel completely unanchored for the first time in my life. I don’t have a church family that will catch me if anything falls apart (although I am fairly certain that many people from our church would help us if needed). This summer has felt very lonely for me as I navigate giving people space and trying to build new relationships

• The Next Steps Take Time

We have been able to find a great church to attend, but we are very much in the “scoping it out” phase. Since church only happens once a week, and there are not as many activities in the summer, it has felt like such slow going. I want to be THERE (you know, fully involved in a wonderful, healthy, functional church), but alas that takes time. And time is hard! But slowly, week by week, we are working our way towards getting there. By the grace of God.

• The Church Can Never Replace a Personal Relationship with Christ

Remember how I mentioned above that I have felt incredibly unanchored? Well, it turns out that these months have really taught me that it’s not a church that anchors me- it’s Christ himself. Now, we highly value a church body and feel it is important to be a part of one. But the truth is that Christ is all we need.

Obviously, this process has been tricky to navigate and it’s not going to be the same for any two people/families who take these steps. Every single circumstance is different. It’s a hard and painful process and I still feel really disjointed about it. No part of this feels like it has been wrapped up with a pretty bow. No part feels like it was the best case scenario for all parties involved. I know that mistakes were made all around and that as we move forward we will continue to learn from these last few months that we have lived, and will continue to actively seek God’s word for the answers to the difficult questions that have arisen as we have walked through this.

I hope that this little reflection post can help someone else who is going through this difficult process and that it can bring some light to the very difficult process of leaving a church behind.