I’ve considered not writing this post.
It seems like…too much. Too vulnerable. I worry that writing it and hitting publish will bring a lot of judgement or criticism.
But I just cannot seem to be able to write anything else until I am able to get this out, and process it all through writing.
I want to go ahead and give what is commonly called a “trigger warning” here: I am 13 weeks pregnant, I know that this little life is a blessing, but I’ve struggled a lot mentally with this unexpected pregnancy. If you are someone who has struggled to become pregnant and you struggle a lot with the pain of another woman being pregnant, you may want to skip this post. Again, I share that at the beginning because I do want to be sensitive to feelings and different lifestyles and know that even if I write with the best of intentions, sometimes my words can lay like bombs in the hearts of another.
I am a little over 13 weeks pregnant today! I guess that means that it’s time to start doing my typical weekly updates, huh?
Today marks the first time in 13 weeks that I have taken an actual photograph of my pregnancy. Yikes.
We found out we were expecting on March 27, 2018. I sobbed to Theo in the bathroom, shaking, apologizing, sinking to the floor. The rest of the week I was completely numb. Then the morning sickness hit. Hard. I was sick and nearly bedridden for the next eight weeks. Every time I told someone about our pregnancy, I burst into tears. I was embarrased.
Now let me explain. It’s not that I didn’t want more kids. It’s not that I’m terrified of labor, delivery, postpartum, and having four kids (although all those things do bring unique fears).
It’s that prior to March 27 I was so overwhelmed in life with my current three that I feel like I was drowning. Seeing a positive on that pregnancy test made me feel like someone had tied a stone around my ankle, and it was finally the last straw that would pull me down. Here Theo and I have been in a tough season with our foster situation, Theo’s job, our two kids. Recently, we have started asking so many people around us for help. It’s humbling to be in this position, and then to have to tell those very same people that I was now pregnant on top of it all? I was terrified. Again, not of labor, delivery, another child…but mostly of morning sickness. I begged God to please spare me this time, but it has been my worst pregnancy yet.
A few weeks into this pregnancy, it dawned on me. I’m literally going through the entire grief cycle. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I’ve read that the cycle doesn’t necessarily follow that exact path, and some of those big feelings come back around once or twice (I’m looking at you, depression and anger) before acceptance finally occurs.
And the most overarching feeling I have on top of this grief?
Guilt.
How can I feel these things when so many women long for a baby? When so many women would gladly take alllll of my symptoms for the baby growing inside me? When I am strongly pro-life and yet here is this life inside of me that I just cannot seem to bond with over the anger, denial and depression? Is this normal? I’ve never even heard of anyone else dealing with these emotions, so surely I’m in the wrong. How can I feel GRIEF in relation to a pregnancy?
ANYWAYS. Here I am today at 13+ weeks and just now have some pictures to show of my pregnancy (cue: denial…if I don’t take any pictures, it’s not happening, right?). But I know that the healthy thing that I need to do is go through it, so I am going to work on posting my regular pregnancy updates again. I am not sure that I will be able to do weekly, but I will at least commit to taking weekly pictures and possibly posting them monthly.
Size of Baby: The size of a peach!
Weight Gain: None. In fact, I’ve lost a few pounds.
Symptoms/How I’m Feeling: See entire post above
Sleep: I sleep just fine, it’s my kids who need to work on this one! Haha!
What I Miss: I’ve been missing the idea of all that is to come. We had some fun plans this summer since we now have all walkers in our family, and I’m missing all the ideas that I have to say goodbye to (roller coasters, backpacking, etc).
Cravings: Nigerien food. Fanta Orange. Spicy food. Sour cream with ranch dressing as a dip for my carrots. Carrots. Lemons. Cinnamon Toast. Ice cold water. And that list right there consists of everything I’ve eaten in the last ten weeks.
Aversions: Food. The thought of eating. Anything sweet.
Worst Moment: The endless sickness. I have nothing else to say about that.
Best Moment: Hearing the heartbeat.
Exercise: Unless laying on the bathroom floor writhing and moaning or crying buckets of tears counts, NOPE. I’ve started going for daily walks now that I’m feeling a bit better. I’m hoping to be able to start running or at least some sort of real workout soon.
How the rest of the family feels: We told the kids and they are very excited! Well, Kiah has NO CLUE. Tera is thrilled and tells me everyday how big my tummy looks. Heavenly is really excited, but also a little bit nervous about how I’ve been so unlike myself. It’s been really hard to be that consistent adult that she still so desperately needs while being so, so sick. Theo is also really excited and I don’t know what I would do without his excitement and support. I know this first trimester has been really hard on our entire family, and that also adds to my guilt. I want to be up and functioning again and being the Mom that holds the family together. It’s very humbling to be in a position where I’m not fully reliable. But overall, everyone is really excited and that’s helpful to me.
Thanks for following along, guys, and for your encouragement and support always. It means the world to me.
I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after our foster daughters came back to us ( we also have two bio boys) and we were all in that crazy adjustment period. I was terrified of being pregnant while carring for four little ones plus all that parenting kids from hard places entails. I get very sick with all my pregnancies and this one was no different. I ended up being sick the entire 9 months. But God really carried me and made me stronger through the whole process. He also showed me my need for others. Our baby girl is about to turn one now, and she has brought so much joy to our family and healing to our foster daughters. Being on the other side now I am so thankful God planned our family better than I could. I don’t know you other than reading your blog (I love it by the way!), But I think your feelings are very normal and understandable. It’s hard to think about adding more to your plate when you already feel like you are drowning. I completely get that. I pray that God gives you the strength and help you need and brings joy from this suffering!
You are not alone in your feelings! When I got pregnant with our son, I was so upset. Three months into being married, but we were going to wait about two years. It was in those first few months that I felt like I had a better understanding of women who choose an abortion. <– and that's hard to say. I would never choose one myself, believing an unborn child is just as much a human as you and i, and God gave that life. But still, it was hard. Like you, I also struggled with the guilt of "how could I feel this way, so many women can't get pregnant!"
Things turned out good, as they often do, and we love our little guy. But those feelings are hard, and you're not alone in them. And thanks for your transparency – I'm not quite as transparent as you, responding here instead of on Facebook where my friends and family see it pop up on their own feeds. (Which is funny, because this is probably more public haha)
Half the battle in acceptance and working through grief is recognizing that it’s happening and how it happens. Be kind to yourself….talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend going through the same thing. We love you and we’ll all love this little one.
I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time. My husband and I cannot have kids, so I would give anything to be in your situation (we cannot adopt/foster), but everyone’s life is different, and I know that you have been going through a rough time lately. Be gentle with yourself. You got this!!!