Exactly two weeks ago, our lives all took a turn. Well, maybe more like a nosedive. And it kinda feels like we are still diving towards the ground, gripping our armrests and bracing for impact. Only the impact never comes and we just continue to freefall. Every time I squeeze my eyes shut, I timidly open one hoping that it was all in my head, only to find that we are still falling.
I know that sounds terrifying. But that’s kinda how life feels right now, ok?
Some days I have hope and an overwhelming peace that it will all be ok.
Some days, not so much.
I was listening to The Good List Podcast today where Tsh Oxenreider encouraged us to keep a quarantine diary. I get that this would be way cooler if it was written down in my actual handwriting, but I am finding that I am struggling to find the time and energy to write it down with pen and ink. For some reason it seemed that typing out a diary and publishing it for the entire world to see made more sense. I know it doesn’t, really…but here we are anyways.
I’m going to try to sit down for 10 minutes each evening after I put the kids to bed and write down my thoughts for the day. Some days might talk about coronavirus, but some days I might not talk about it at all. Just a thought dump at the end of the day.
Today was….tough. Yesterday was so sunny and almost 70 and I felt hope just rising up in my heart. Like, even if the worst happened, we would still be able to get through it.
And then today I woke up and it was like the hope had been sucked out of me. And not just the hope, but any positive emotion whatsoever. I was filled with negative thoughts and feelings and it felt like the gloomy, rainy weather was taking root in my soul. I yelled at my kids multiple times, which I am not usually prone to do. I yearned for a moment to be alone and silent to collect my thoughts and calm my heart and fears, but instead my kids had a highly needy day. Or maybe my soul restlessness was simply raising the temperature of my home, and I was perceiving my children as being far more needy than they actually are? Of course, I was not able to find a moment of space and silence, as Theo is at work and I am home with the kids. Stuck inside in this gloomy weather. For the 15th day in a row.
Did I mention that Theo is at work? Just typing that very sentence feels my heart with fear. I imagine him out there, fighting the actual germs instead of continuing to fulfill his actual job of fighting crime. I imagine the germs sticking to his clothes, his hair, the crevices on his hands. I imagine him bringing it home, sharing it with our kids. Sharing it with me.
My heart starts to turn green with envy towards all the people whose entire family gets to be home, sheltered away from this virus. I think that “if only” Theo were able to be home, we would lock the entire world away and shelter ourselves and stay safe. We wouldn’t need to go out for food or toilet paper or anything because we would just make do…and we would stay safe. I create a false sense of safety in everyone else’s lives, thinking that if I just lived within their bubbles, there would be no more problems, no more germs, no more possibilities of sickness.
But that’s not how it works, is it? Many people look at our circumstances and see OUR bubble as the protected one- our bubble has a stay at home Mom already built in and steady income, no matter how the world crumbles around us. And I guess that is the danger of “if-only-ing” the lives of others. It will never get me anywhere.
Well, my 10 minutes is up for tonight so I will carry on with my SIPDiaries tomorrow night!