“You Are Not Welcome At This Table”

*****I originally wrote this blog post in early 2021. It has sat in my drafts for THREE years and I decided that this is finally the time to hit publish.****

Several months ago, shortly before the 2020 elections began, I opened up my Instagram app and discovered, quite harshly- that I was no longer welcome at a number of tables.

Now, I’m sure that we have all experienced this to some extent. Someone we know and love has gone on a wild keyboard rant that concludes that “if you feel this way, you are wrong!” And since we do indeed feel that way, we wonder where that leaves us in that persons life. It’s often the wildest feeling realizing that someone posted something completely ostracizing online, but they still want to get together for a playdate tomorrow. It’s incredibly confusing. Are we still on? Do you want me to graciously back out? Or are you really not aware that I stand by that belief that you are so strongly opposed to? Have we had an in-person conversation about this before? Do I say something or do I just try to continue life as normal when we are in-person?

In fact, I bet that many of us have unknowingly done this to some of our friends when we have gone on a passionate keyboard rant, not realizing who will see our words and how they will understand the message that we are trying to send.

Maybe a friend who is divorcing sees your message about “hard work is what makes a marriage last”. She now feels unwelcome at your table because she knows that the years of hard work she put into her marriage were not enough to make it last.

Maybe a friend chose to have an abortion many years ago, and although they now have children, they see your discussions about women who choose “this deplorable act” and she realize’s that she may not be welcome at your table if you consider a choice that she made many years ago “deplorable”.

Maybe a friend is married to a law enforcement officer and sees your hashtag “all cops are bastards” and realizes that you just called her husband a bastard. She doesn’t feel safe anywhere near your table.

Or maybe a friend is black and sees your rant about “no such thing as racism” and wonders if she is really welcome at your table and safe in that space.

Maybe a friend has a different political affiliation, and it is one that they have thought long and hard about. They have prayed and reasoned and come to their own conclusion and it hurts to be called “ignorant and brain washed”.

On one October day in 2020, a group of about 7 influencer/podcaster/author women all took to their IG and social media to implore their followers to vote for a certain candidate and to PLEASE NEVER VOTE for another candidate. They all posted at the same time on the same day and it was obvious that planning had gone on behind the scenes.

Now, let me be clear. I am all for individuals using their own platforms to share their own opinions. I think that sometimes we cross this line online, but for the most part, I am perfectly fine with that happening. Even if it’s an opinion that I disagree with. At this point in election season, I had no idea who I would vote for (because both candidates were awful) and because of this I was really open to hearing from others on what candidate they were choosing to vote for and why they were choosing that candidate.

But the way this was done sat completely wrong with me. Primarily, the posts were not written in a way that explained why they were voting for a particular candidate. Instead, they wrote about all the reasons why they would not vote for the other candidate and why anyone who did was wrong. They spent their precious internet keyboard words virtually attacking anyone who was choosing to think differently from them about a topic. There was absolutely no space for a different perspective or experience on anything. As I scrolled past the first post, I felt a bit unsettled. Then I realized that a second person had also posted along the exact same lines. I felt small. Very unwelcome there because of one or two things that I disagreed with, but knew I would NEVER be safe to voice. By the time I realized there was 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 of these almost exact same posts I realized that I was completely and entirely unwelcome at their collective tables. I realized that they were choosing to surround themselves with only people who thought like them, and as a result I (and anyone who thought differently) was not to be included.

Which is a complete bummer because theirs were tables that I was excited to sit around. A table that I found value in. A table that I knew I was giving value to. A table that can be rich and full of life, energy, discussions, laughter and peaceful differences of experience and perspective.

Basically, as I scrolled through their not-so-sublte messaging that “if you do not vote this way, you will not be welcome at our tables“, I was deeply disappointed.

Since that day, I have come across many more captions and messages that speak the same words: “If you do not vote this way, you will not be welcome at our table.” These words coming from both sides of the political spectrum have been overwhelming and so distasteful.

We all have an innate desire to feel valuable. We all want to contribute value to life. And sometimes it’s challenging to navigate through our differences to achieve adding value to the lives of those around us. But it is still possible, friends! It is still possible to be different and add value. To vote for a different candidate and sit around the same table. To have a strong difference of opinion based on experiences or viewpoints.

Friends, as Christians- we must do better. It is EASY to love someone who thinks the same as us. Anyone can do that. It is much harder to love and invite to our tables someone who thinks completely different from us. It is counter-intuitive to know someone with whom we disagree. The world tells us that we don’t have to associate with anyone who doesn’t “spark joy”. But the Bible tells us to love our enemies and bless those who persecute us.

So how can we practically move away from the black and white thinking of our culture to a more welcoming and inviting table?

• First, be in the Word. We absolutely cannot make informed opinions about the culture and our worldview if we do not have a strong foundation in God’s Word. We cannot know right from wrong if we do not first spend time in God’s Word. We cannot spend time with people who have completely different outlooks on life if we are not first strong in our foundation.
• Spend time in real life with people who think differently. It’s so easy to pick and choose what shows up in our Instagram feed and we tend to live our real lives the same way- pick and choose. Instead, find someone who is different and be with them around your real life table. Spoiler alert: every single human is different so this is not hard to fulfill at all!
• Don’t always unfollow or mute someone in the moment. Leave room in your social media feed for people who think differently than you. Hopefully somewhere along the way, someone can give good articulate reasons why they believe what they do and not just share the most extreme political memes.
• Be gentle with your words online. Carefully consider each word that you say and each meme that you repost. Consider the people that you love- would this be triggering or offensive for any of them? If you don’t care if it is triggering or offensive, this may be a red flag that your own heart is valuing something (a mindset or ideology) over a person. It is ok to hold to our values and even our mindsets, but we still need to be willing to love people who are different while still holding to that value.
• When posting something online that shares a divisive opinion (being pro-choice or pro-life, for example) consider using words to write out why YOU feel this way, not why other people should agree with you. Very few people are won over by being told what to think and why. Many people can have a mindset shift or perspective change when they hear a person sharing the experiences that have led to that mindset shift, they are more able to connect the dots as to why that ideology is embraced.

***I wish I had a nice bow tie way to end this post, but I am just going to leave it as I wrote it three years ago***