SIP Diary Day 20

Well, today was…..fairly awful.

It’s amazing how my scale of measurement has changed in the last 20 days. I’m so deeply longing for “normal”, even though 20 days ago I was complaining about normal. Now, I would take a “bad day” pre-corona any day over THIS. I don’t even need to explain what THIS is because you all know. But just in case someone is reading this in a history book in the future, let me explain what THIS is:

Wake up. Remember that a virus is practically bringing the entire world to it’s knees. Economies are crashing. Borders are closing. And worst of all…people are dying. Not only are they dying, but many are dying alone because we are all ordered quarantine and stay at home. Remind myself that I can’t live in negativity. Try to bring myself hope. Pray that there will be an end to this virus. Think of my friends who have the virus. Resist the urge to check their social media profiles every hour. Kiss my husband goodbye and send him out into THIS. Try to keep things normal for my kids at home. Spend literally 30 minutes trying to get myself to think of what I can feed my kids for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. Wonder if I’m depressed. Shoot, the whole world seems depressed. Force myself to take the kids for a hike. Breathe fresh air, thankful. Hear about more people dying. More young people being hospitalized. More children coming down with the virus than we were led to believe. Cry. Play worship music while I get the disaster of my home together. Praise God even though I’m not sure that makes sense. Worry about Theo, out there. Wonder what to do if he comes down with the virus. Worry about Ezra. Would he survive? Feel a tightening in my chest. Is it corona or am I having a panic attack? Either option is not desirable. Try to function as normal with crushing weight on my shoulders and on my chest. Pray.

Mostly, my daily life and responsibilities are the same as pre-corona. I’ve got a household to run, three kids to keep in line and feed, and a husband to love and cherish. But post-corona I have a lot more worry. Not only am I not allowed to leave the house to wander around, but I also feel the weight of the world. Have you ever been to ground zero? It’s almost eery. You can FEEL the weight of grief as soon as you cross the street into that plot of ground that once held two tall towers, crumbled to the ground in dust and silt and dead bodies. Even the children somehow became more hushed when they walked around ground zero. That is how the entire atmosphere feels, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the moment I close them at night.

It should come as no surprise that todays weather was gloomy and dreary. Its crazy how my mood usually matches the weather. I really, truly need to work on that. Not being gloomy and moody, not being so worrisome and pessimistic. I think that is one thing this will teach me. But it makes me wonder…is there a time in my life that I will look back on THIS time and wish that I had been thankful and grateful and considered it “good days”, instead of not? Just some convicting words for thought for myself on this dreary Wednesday night.