Recently, one of my kids had a friend over to our house. This sweet kid came in the house, dashed around after my kids for a few minutes, and then on his way back out the door said:
“why is your house so messy?”
I had an immediate flood of emotions. I wanted to have a good response- something like
“Um, it’s not THAT messy!”
or
“Well, I’ve been running around all day and haven’t been home to clean it!”
or
“Sweetie, there are 6 people who live here, so we tend to make a little bit of a mess!”
or
“Well, isn’t your house also a little bit messy?”
or
“There is a 3 year old here who loves to make messes!”
Honestly, I don’t remember what I actually said in response. And the sweet kid was long gone before I had picked my jaw up off the floor. I was hurt and slightly offended, mostly because I actually work really hard to keep my home somewhat neat. And I feel like I’m always losing that battle. And I feel self-conscious about it, and I feel like I’m always on my kids to clean up/pick up/do chores, and yet- my house IS STILL MESSY!
Now, listen. There could be a million reasons why this kid said that. Maybe it’s because my house is much smaller than his, so it appeared more full, which in his mind qualified as “messy”. Maybe it’s because he has a housekeeper and his house is rarely ever messy. Maybe it’s because his siblings are all older, so the dynamics are different. Maybe his house is ALSO messy, and he was just commenting on the appearance of mine! Maybe my house isn’t messy and he just blurted out a random thought? Maybe he’s just a young boy and he doesn’t know what he is talking about!
Side note: He is a very lovely kid and I’m sure his Mom would have been mortified if she heard him say that. I know he’s being raised well, and parents can’t always filter everything that comes out of their children’s mouths, so this is absolutely no shame to him or his family.
A similar thing happened a few months ago when a different friend came over. They ran in the house, ran around, and then asked “where is the kids hang out room?”. Well, we don’t have one because our house is only 1200 square feet and we just hang out in the all rooms!
Honestly, interactions like this make me want to hide. I don’t want to invite people over when I know that they will judge my home. I felt embarrassed and it makes me want to keep up with Joneses.
But you know what? As I’ve been thinking about it over the past few weeks, I have actually reached a different conclusion.
Instead of wanting to hide away, I want my kids friends to know that they are always welcome here- mess and all!
I think it’s GOOD for kids to see families who live a little differently than they do. To go over to someone’s house who doesn’t have a “kids play space” or separate bedrooms for each kid. Those things aren’t bad at all (!), but it can be really helpful for kids to see a different perspective or lived experience. We live in a culture where we love to present our best sides, and without meaning to, I think we often perform instead of just living our real, authentic lives. Now, I’m not saying that if your house is neat, you are just performing. But sometimes I think that we are inadvertently teach our kids that we always need to have our best foot forward, that if anything is out of line, we have to keep that private. While I certainly don’t think that we need to flaunt all our weaknesses or hardships, I do think that we can do a bit of a better job of just living life with each other without perfection being the priority.
Maybe because my house is messy, someone will feel comfortable to be themselves in it.
